Wednesday, July 01, 2009Thoughts on a Comment
I'm in and out, I know. But we're here, and we're on Fetlife often too. I try not to write about petty daily things and save my writings here for the stuff I want to focus on with more intent.
I got a comment (back in March, yikes), and I want to address it. The author is quite poetic, lol, I doubt my writing has ever been so lyrical...
In every great beauty there is a portion of strangeness...does it follow that great strangeness acquaints with great beauty? Isn't this the same circle that in turning to the ends of pleasure transitions brightly into pain, and back again? which is to say that submission acquaints to freedom, education to oppression, and bondage to travel. Right action is opposite action to achieve balance, takes two to tango.
It took me a few moments to piece out what the person is asking here, but I get a question from it. I believe the person is asking whether it is normal/typical to crave both sides of that coin, perhaps at different times. Or perhaps, is it normal for a relationship to flow in and out of these states rather than being rigidly one top and one bottom and that is all.
My answer is yes. I think it is normal. It isn't ME very often, but it is pretty normal to see folks enjoy top and bottom, give and take, etc. I'm not much of a giver, as it turns out. I can intellectually grasp the concept of submission, even see the appeal, but I'm not keen on giving up power. However, when we're talking about the color of a long term relationship and life, then I would say I absolutely find myself outside my role, perhaps on the other side of it in the circular fashion the commenter describes.
An example: in October of 08 I became incapacitated by serious illness. I was couch-ridden for much of six weeks, and better but still needy after that for another month. I had doctor's appointments and more doctor's appointments to keep, and no way to transport myself there or even get from the car to the office without help. I needed pet to take care of everything from bills to family to decisions to bringing me food to eat while he was gone (there was a good 10 days I couldn't get up. at. all.)
In many ways, I became the dependent. I was incapable of running a household, making decisions, anything at all. He was forced to become dominant, keeping us all on track while I recovered. I gave up my power, I didn't like it and I still don't (I still am limited in some ways, and MAN does that piss me off.) But it was necessary.
But, you say, wasn't his role one of ultimate submission? Caring for me totally is nothing if not submissive. I think that is the point the commenter wanted to make--you can't live in one identity without room for others. Sometimes, things aren't as rigid as they seem.
In writing my series (yes I'm still writing it, sloooooooowly), it isn't so much to say "this is all there is for us." It is a way to explore the feelings I have swirling around, the strong desires and reactions I know but have trouble naming. In all things there is flexibility, and all things change. That is the first thing I learned about Buddhism--things always change. To assume they will remain static--whether they be roles or situations--is folly.
I'm interested to know what the commenter thinks, lol, too bad I'm so dang slow in reply. I'm thinking of everyone out there, and living this life, all the time.