Thursday, December 27, 2007Six Months Later
Every once in a while I think--is anyone checking in here?
I miss writing here, truthfully I miss the community of folks who "get us," because there just aren't any people in our "RL" who understand WIITWD. Some of our friends know some things and are supportive, but it in a "don't ask don't tell" way, which is fine. I don't need to air my sexual and rather controversial life choices to anyone and everyone. I miss being able to say what I want to about D/s, though, out loud and proud. Actually, now that I've lost a lot of the readership here, I almost feel more comfortable talking about it. Heh. Like I'm talking to an invisible person who totally gets it and lets me air things out in a neutral way. Neat, I love the internet!
What happened when we broke off here was this: we found we have very little time for the sexual aspect of our lives. I think this has mostly hurt our intimacy, though never our love and respect for each other--that is always 110% there. We have two little ones, and less opportunity for babysitting than you would imagine considering we live in the same city as our family, but there you go. When they are babysat, it is often here at our house, thus leaving nowhere to go play grownup style. We have a dungeon in town, but neither of us are particularly interested in public displays--well, not that much of a public display, anyhow. He still wears my symbolic collar 24/7.
Pet's job has become insane--when he's not at work, he's stressed about it. I feel completely shunted off to one side, but not because of anything he does wrong. He supports us financially, and for that I am eternally grateful because it frees me up to be a better wife and mother and to focus on my own, sadly low wage career paths (at least for now, mwaha). His work has kind of become the domme in the living room--the one mistress we both bow to. The saddest thing, to me, is that he used to love work, and now it is the necessary but unpleasant thing that comes between our D/s lifestyle and us.
So, you take our wonderful but demanding children, add a well paying but very demanding job, no breaks, no time away that isn't carefully planned (we had one week away in August, and it did wonders but it took us four days to reconnect), and what comes out the other side is a frustrated and lonely submissive and a frustrated and withdrawn dominant. Because when I can't get what I really want from him, I quit asking for much of anything--I don't want him to feel overwhelmed and stressed by all my requests and demands on top of work and kid demands.
Now, NOW, I totally get why some folks never mix love and D/s. Because I love him, I have a really hard time dominating him. Despite that being the very thing we both want so much.
Maybe I should retitle the blog "how to make your domme complain without doing anything wrong," LOL. (no I do not capitalize "domme." I do not love myself that much.)
I badly, badly want a tutor. I want someone who has been there, done this who can guide me and teach me to be a domme in the midst of all this stress. I know in my soul that if I could figure out how to be a better domme, I could remove some of his frustration. I wonder if giving him more direction might actually help him feel more centered--he claims it would but I'm wary of giving him too much and making him resentful. He's not particularly good at telling me when he needs a break, he'll just go till he drops. And while I know and love him well, I can't always read minds and I don't want him thinking of my dominance as just "one more thing to do." I want some kind of instruction book--something that tells me how to be a good wife and dominant, how to balance work and family. Mostly what I see are retarded guides that tell me to limit his masturbation and be all bitch goddess. That doesn't really work here.
The reason we started this blog originally is that there was nothing really like it out there. I still think that is so--perhaps our situation is too unique to be found elsewhere--a domme who doesn't do the career ladder thing and a sub who is out of the home 9-12 hours a day. We are, as always, atypical.
The bottom line is that we're not giving up, we're still very much in love and our life is truly blessed. We're happy and healthy. Being powerless really doesn't work for me (hence the whole domme thing), and I want to take back some power but I can't quite figure out how. This is the state of our union--not so bad. We'll keep moving forward, see how things go.