Friday, December 29, 2006Somewhat back!
As She mentioned in a previous post, I got my ass kicked by a sinus infection. I have since been on an antibiotic and gotten steadily better, though I still have a nasty cough and my energy level is not what it was pre-illness yet. That aside, I'm back to post again.
The holidays were crazy, tons of people and obligations and it was just a big ordeal. Every night we tried to regroup a little and get cuddly with each other, which helped out. I had one little breakdown (I'm not sure what to call it, but it's an instance where something goes awry and I just can't deal and get weird about it, usually over something insignificant).
I was thinking today a little about how much I love my lady. I sometimes act contrary and snarky, but in reality, my desires to be with her and serve her wholly are rooted in me. I like to look at it from an outsider perspective for comparison to where I try to be with her.
Earlier in my life I dreamed about kissing the feet of my future partner, and waiting on them, and just loving them. I thought it was just a sign of desperation and that if any girl was kind enough to take me in, I would probably serve them all the time to keep them around (I didn't have good self esteem back then, obviously).
Now I am partnered up with the best woman in the world, and have been for several years, and yet those feelings of wanting to kiss her feet and serve her haven't gone away. In fact, I look on her with such gratitude and delight, I want to embrace her even more and spoil her rotten!
The inner turmoil this caused over the years is quite amazing, and while I have come a long way since then, I still have plenty of self-work to do and more things to learn and sort out, though it gets easier all the time. I love her so much, and she is so patient with me while I work things out, I am too, too lucky to have her.
Another recent instance of this is tickling. For years I've been content to touch her and cuddle her and stroke her. As of about a month ago, I started tickling her. I couldn't really explain why I started doing it and I couldn't really shut it off. My fingers just wandered that way. She got increasingly irritated by it and told me that when she is being tickled, she feels out of control and uncomfortable. I finally figured out today that I was attention seeking, as it is impossible for her to ignore that. Now that I think I have identified the cause, we'll see if my ability to recognize that feeling and redirect it to more appropriate attention-getting means works out.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006Holidays
Hope you all had a lovely holiday, whatever one (or more!) you celebrate.
I got a crop in my stocking. And the Jay Wiseman book on bondage (holy cow, the knots alone are intimidating, but I am determined...). And the movie Secretary. Happy Lady. Actually, I should say that I didn't get those things in my stocking at all, but in the bedroom far away from the little ones' prying eyes. Hee.
Pet got a pillow for sitting at my feet.
Fifteen minutes of pet brushing my hair was really nice, this morning. Like a small amount of body worship, an island in a sea of opened presents ;)
Thursday, December 21, 2006Kicking the shins of reluctance
We are all sick, which means we are all crabby, lol. Actually, I'm on the mend and almost back to normal, yay!
After watching pet follow me around like, well, a little pet puppy dog, desperate for my attention, I finally managed to kick the shins of my reluctance long enough to have a nice session.
He sat while I soaked in a bath, keeping me company and generally mooning about, then we moved to the bedroom where we had a really enjoyable lovemaking session--I finally felt like my old self a bit, and managed to whack the hell out of pet's ass for a while before curling up in our heated bed to sleep.
Everything, for a change, felt right with the world. Of course, in the morning pet woke up with a sinus infection. Sigh.
Sometimes, being a good domme means knowing how to give the "have hot tea and take a nap" orders. Heh.
**Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments! I have no plans to stop blogging, and I appreciate that I'm not driving anyone but myself to distraction ;) I love this community!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006Just read a post on my lady's orders
I just read Chance's post "mistress hated my title and so now I don't have one" which was quite insightful. I believe we relate very well to the whole "wanting the bigger picture" concept and sometimes getting caught up in the minutia.
For quite some time we haven't had any long discussions about "is this really what we want" or "can we actually do this" or things like that with regards to living a D/s lifestyle. Points of contention lately have been minor things like chronic evening fatigue, shaking off bad vibes from dealing with extended family, or me being an ass when I am sick or snarky when I am healthy and she's feeling dominant. All of these things are slightly problematic in the moment, but there are no questions about who is in charge or power struggles or anything of that nature.
It took years to get here, and we're both comfortable with our positions now, and the only challenges we face are those we take on, like her being more dominant and me being more submissive, trying kinkier sexual acts, more sadism, more restraint, and the ever-present challenge of finding more time to do all these things.
On another note, we discovered that if I rub her shoulders from the front instead of the back, she does not writhe in pain from the rub, but actually feels some relief. We discovered this in the shower as I washed her (something she lets me do from time to time).
Saturday, December 16, 2006Talking "Smack"
While I mistress was playing a video game, I started making all kinds of snarky comments (smack-talking, as it is often called). When she came to a resting point in the game, she jumped up from her chair and dragged me into the kitchen by the shirt. She then pulled out a spatula and wailed on my ass, giving me 8 strokes before returning to her game. We do this a lot. Sometimes she likes it when I give her a reason to beat me, and sometimes she doesn't need a reason.
Friday, December 15, 2006Hm
I've run out of new things to say here.
I'm not ready to kill the blog, I've found a lot of benefit from it. I worry I've become too repetitive in recent months to be worth much to others.
I struggle. I struggle with enacting the firm hand we both want for our relationship and our bedroom. I find myself shutting down even when the opportunity presents itself--which it doesn't often, as you all know. I know this is fear, I know exactly what is causing the problem, yet I'm at the wall. I have no idea how to change this internal shut down process.
I've employed pet's help--he's been assigned to be more forward, for a while, about sexual activities, rather than sitting back and letting me decide.
No, that's not right.
I've asked him to wait for me in bed, spanking tools laid out, naked. I've asked him to get out the restraints and ask me to use them. I've asked him to present himself for whatever play we've BOTH wanted but I've been unable or unwilling (though, not consciously), to enact myself.
I realize this is a stepping back of power exchange. I don't particularly like it, even. But I think it is what will get me over that wall, or through it, and into the kind of Domme I dream of being. I'm not really a big fan of this idea, but I've gotten help with it and this is what was recommended. I'll try anything once, I'm kinky after all.
Anyhow, for now we're not going anywhere. I don't want to shut down anything yet. I just hope this doesn't get to be one of those blogs where we talk a lot and say nothing new.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006Bad Weekend going on better week
Over the weekend I was recovering from an illness, and as always, when I am sick, I'm a dick, and I won't admit it. It's almost comical now but when I'm in the middle of it, nothing could be more real. I've made a mental note to recognize this in the future when I'm sick, and at least come out and say that, and then go kick it in the bedroom away from her so as not to defy her constantly and dickishly.
Anyway, I got better, and then she got sick, and has been sore for a while anyway, so I putter about attempting to make her feel better to little avail. It's been a pretty laid back week so far, much better than the weekend which had other drama as well, not drama we made but drama that we chose to subject ourselves to. So yeah, it's hard to not be better after that.
My daily routine now includes more hot tea on demand and getting the heating pad and pillows and blankets out on demand. I try to do backrubs, but as her meme states, she hates them and I'm a bit rough when I give rubs too. But we're moving along and cuddling a lot, which is nice.
Saturday, December 09, 2006The Toddler Year(s)
Last night it finally sank in - our littlest child is no a toddler. He will not be content to just sit in the high chair or stroller anymore when we go out, he must be part of the action. This is wonderful for us, but also somewhat paralyzing of our social life, and especially paralyzing of our kinky life. We are more seriously discussing finding more babysitters.
We face the dilemma too now of me being out all day and wanting to spend time at home, and her being in much of the day and wanting to go out. Since the toddler cast his vote to stay home, we came to the compromise that I would clean everything up and go out to get the food and the dinner so she could get a break from trying to clean up after two children who pull stuff off the shelves as she puts it on there.
Last night (Friday night, our usual date night) we ate dinner in and watched a rented movie. Afterwards we had a lovely romantic encounter with lots of kissing, caressing, and then a more than satisfying orgasm for me. This was wonderful and capped off a very pleasant evening in.
Monday, December 04, 2006Mistress says: Meme now!
My Lady told me to do this meme today, and so I shall.
6 weird things about me:
1. I often call things by their fully qualified titles, like "coca-cola classic" or "Dell Inspirion E1505" instead of "coke" or "the dell laptop over there."
2. I am an active helium conservationist.
3. I wake up happy, almost loopy, even in the middle of the night, even with a screaming headache, even on one hour sleep, and even when I only half wake up. I am always very pleasant to talk to and cuddly, although I'm rarely useful and I never remember anything the next morning.
4. I like funny commercials. I will stop the TiVo and rewind a commercial if I think it was funny.
5. I love food where every bite tastes like every other bite, and it tastes good (things like stews and chili and casserole, where the carrots taste like the beans taste like the beef taste like everything in the pot, or garbage omelets). To this extreme, I often mix food together on my plate to eat it. Some people think it is gross, but I never do anything so extreme as say, jello mixed with mashed potatoes.
6. I like chocolate milk, milk and dark and white chocolate chips and bars, chocolate brownies, and chocolate frosting. I cannot stand chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, or chocolate pudding.
There you have it.
Tagged by saratoga:
6 weird things about me:
1. I hate back rubs. They mostly hurt.
2. I have to sleep under a fan, even when it is really cold.
3. I'm a gigantic Stephen King fan, read everything he puts out.
4. I abhor drama. So much so that I think we get less readers than we could if I played the drama card. But I don't care. Drama sucks.
5. I feel more dominant when I wear black, when I wear a skirt, and when I wear boots.
6. I rarely cook on weekends. I hate to cook, in general. I do like to bake, though.
I don't tag, but if you feel like a meme, help yourself :)
Saturday, December 02, 2006Project time!
I'm waiting for some paint to dry on one of our big renovation projects around here so I thought I would post again. This time the post will be on the topic of how my mistress and I negotiated this last week which was very busy.
At the beginning of the week, I scheduled out everything that needed to happen before today (today some professionals came in to do some work and we needed to be at a certain point for them to be able to do it). I had almost every spare minute of every day scheduled away to something, and starting from 6:30 in the morning and running until midnight each night, with a break on Friday. I also left Friday open to do anything I didn't finish during the week.
So all this week I worked my ass off on everything. I took few breaks, and one night my mistress was even around (she works evenings sometimes, and several this last week in particular) and she helped and we still didn't finish until midnight. The next morning, my schedule slipped as I took the kids to school allowing my mistress to sleep in.
Anyway, on Friday, we ended up pretty much on schedule, so the evening was free for us to do our normal chores and such, but my mistress knew how hard I worked all week and took over for me as a reward. She did most of my normal chores and just excused the rest, and we spent a long time sitting in front of the fireplace and then the TV just relaxing together. It was a very lovely evening and my mistress really showed me how much she appreciates me, which is one of the great parts of being her sub!
The other night my mistress and I were showering and she said she had to pee. I suggested she urinate on me, since we were in a rather good position to experiment with this particular fantasy of mine (and somewhat of ours, since we had discussed it somewhat before).
It didn't take too much time to decide we were going to try it. I was immediately hard and she was barely hesitant at all. I sat down in the shower beneath her and reclined so that she stood over me, and then she relieved herself onto my loins, stomach, and chest. I watched her as she did this, looking up on the lady who loves me and showered me now.
She is a beautiful woman, and as I lay under her, I felt very connected to her. She used to have a hard time urinating with me in the bedroom while she was in the adjoining bathroom, and now she is hovering over me, bent kneed and hips moving around, directing a stream at me as she pleases!
As I rose, still hard as ever, she embraced me (the shower rinsed me clean the moment she moved to allow me up) and I felt her whole body close to mine. She went back to cleaning herself and I went back to watching, though my penis remained hard the whole time. She noticed this, and applied a generous amount of sudsy soap to it, then stroked it a bit, and then turned around to show me her ass.
I placed my penis into her crack, as I do when we do "Buns." She gyrated a little bit (really, just barely a moment of rubbing) and brought me to climax. I let loose onto her lower back and then held her for a while again, close in the hot water. She turned around after a while and saw that I was still a bit hard.
I never thought urinating on me would be so arousing, but as far as erotic stimuli go, this was a really impressive aphrodisiac. I equate it to getting spanked and any other of the various non-orgasmic sexual practices we do; it is a wonderful, enjoyable, intimate act that embraces our relationship and is ridiculously arousing too!
Again, if anyone would like to comment on their own experiences with urination here, I encourage them to do so. I do enjoy hearing how other people, both like-minded and not, find particular activities in both a sexual and mental capacity. Thanks!