Thursday, September 29, 2005Troubled times for Him
My submission to my wife in all things sexual has been under constant stress, attack, and deliberation. I get very excited at the idea of being her sub, but she notes that once I'm in the role of her sub, I fight her constantly, both subtly and overtly. Whenever I am supposed to do her bidding, I sigh or complain or get my knickers in a twist and can't figure it out, it's all too much pressure, I get fidgety and resentful and overall ruin the experience. I have almost never made it into sub-space because of this.
I believe a lot of this to be the result of my past, my inexperience again shining radiantly. I keep trying to get there, but I am always focusing on the wrong reason to get there, or the wrong aspect of the task at hand. I have some serious issues with not wanting to be taken advantage of that flare up constantly, and some unappreciated flags that go up at other times, no doubt resulting from my childhood. While she is none of these things, I put those things on her, then I fight them. It's all in my head, which is where I should be thinking about how happy I am to sub for her.
I have all kinds of subbing fantasies including forced feminization, spanking, ass-worship, foot-worship, smothering, and face sitting. I love eating her out, and fingering her, and I love being restrained or restraining her, then going to work or getting worked on. I get aroused at all her dirty talk, and I love her to death on top of all that, so why do I have such a hard time letting go of the "real" world and slipping into her protection? Why am I so at a loss to let her care for me while directing my attention to her?
Constantly I worry about what she will have me do, or what I will have to give up to do something for her, or about not meeting her expectations. As she puts it, I should be happy and excited to do her bidding, not loathe to hear her requests for fear it will not be something I like. I should be excited to be her toy, her pet, her personal fun factory, but I act as though I am just put out when she actually requests these things of me.
She says that she feels I come to bed with an agenda, and are therefore topping her from below, which is not her style. I am always up for being worked on, but when it comes to working on her, I only seem to enjoy it when I already had it in my head to do those things ahead of time.
She says that I am more submissive when I'm not trying to be submissive, and I'm just being me. That can be interpreted two ways; the first (and more positive one) is that I am submissive by nature and I am actually hurting that submissive nature when I go into the bedroom by trying to force it and worrying and letting my real world fears control my behavior. The second (and more negative one) is that I am just a really nice, kinky-sex-loving and wife-adoring guy who isn't submissive at all because he can't let go of the reigns for even a second because that's just not who he is. There are both types in the world, and I am presently doing some hardcore soul searching to figure out which one I am.
The next step from there (and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I can't help it) is if I am submissive and being controlled by my past and my issues, how do I resolve those issues so I can really be submissive and enjoy it thoroughly and often? If I am not submissive, how can I reconcile this with my wife and mistress?
To add to the foray, we believe Domming and Subbing are almost genetically programmed, you can't choose to have Domme feelings, you just have them, a lot like a gay person is aroused at the sight of hot like-gendered people. My desire to sub must therefore be buried in me, repressed and locked away, only surfacing under extremely fair conditions. Just as I have a tremendous struggle extracting my Sub feelings, she has an equally tremendous struggle repressing her Domme feelings, to the point of having to be extremely passive in bed and refusing toys and kinky play of almost all kinds to avoid letting any leak out on accident. Should it leak out, she will remember how much it is a part of her, then hurt for the loss, and likewise repress herself even more.
What I hope to accomplish in my soul searching and personal work is to break down the walls and issues that lock away my base nature, and see what really is there. Am I really a Sub at my core or am I just a nice guy who walks, talks, and acts like a sub but really isn't?
Since I started my self-exploratory journey, I have found a few things out about myself. I worry about stupid things like "is she going to make me do the dishes?" or "is she going to make me wear a butt plug at my parents' house for 4 hours?" I also have learned that my codependence plays a major role in my activities; I work to remove it from our sex life and our life in general daily. I don't communicate enough with her. I don't ask for what I want or need and I try to read her mind a lot. I am a selfish bastard when I'm feeling out of sorts.
When she asks me what I liked about our recent D/s encounters, I always reply with lots of things, but none of which are D/s related. I liked the kink, I liked the intimacy, I liked the sex, I liked the scents and the atmosphere. I never reply that I liked being free from responsibility because she's taking command. I never reply that I enjoy serving her just because she enjoys it. I feel these things to varying degrees, but I have to wonder if I don't repress the output of them because of the negative feelings I feel resulting from my issues surfacing simultaneously?
For a long time, I felt that I needed to have an orgasm for sex to be good, and that the sooner the better. I also felt that was selfish, and that if I'm going to have one, she should too. Along those lines, if I'm going to have one, and I'm pretty much worthless post-sex, then she should have one first. So I found out what works for her, what makes her wet, and basically assembled a flowchart for her orgasm. Of course, immediately following her orgasm came my orgasm. This was our modus operandi for probably two years. I was immature and selfish and resentful when she tried to change it, and resisted everything she ever asked. Only recently did I start to see through that (read: grow up a little) and find the joy of sex beyond a 1 to 1 orgasm ratio in the shortest amount of time. There's no love in that, no excitement, no wonder or mystery. I see now why she grew bored to tears and frustrated to hell with me in bed.
On that note, I can say that me being a sub would definitely alleviate many of those problems since it forces me to do it right. I can't argue with this but man can I fight it. It makes sense and I want to do it that way, it's beneficial to both of us on so many levels, and yet, I just don't want to let go for even a moment because of my irrational and seemingly uncontrollable fears of being out of control. (Oh the irony).
So now what? I am researching into the mind of the sub to see where I am in relation to other self-proclaimed sub. I am tearing apart my feelings and figuring out the causes, relations, and the triggers. I am trying to really decide what kind of sub I am, and where my walls are. I spent a long time living by myself, just masturbating and whatnot, never really figuring out what I want in a relationship, let alone a sexual relationship, just that I wanted one. Luckily, I met the most perfect woman in the whole world, who rocks my world, and I worship her. I want nothing more than to please her, and it seems to be the one thing I can't do. Why? I don't know. That's the big question, really; one I hope to answer in short order.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005Second Chances
Sometimes, I'm surprised at my luck. Usually, it is bad. Today, I'm doing the happy dance because I scored an advanced copy of Lauren Dane's Second Chances, and I read the whole thing in two greedy days. The book is set to be released today at Loose ID, in e-book format. I've talked about her other books here, as well.
Second Chances is a romance novel with a delicious twist--D/s! The protagonist is a submissive woman finding herself after a time away from home. She is just discovering her submission, with the help of some hunky guys. Lauren Dane does a beautiful job of telling the story of love between a Dom and sub. So many stories of D/s (including mine!) focus on the sexual aspect. Ms. Dane goes out of her way to explore the love, the feelings of protection and adoration that exist between two people in a consensual power exchange. Seems to me that new ground is being broken here, and I like it!
Not that the book is devoid of sex--lots of steamy scenes to keep your juices flowing!
I don't want to give too much of the plot away, so I'll keep this short. Second Chances is an open and tender exploration of love D/s style. There's some sadness, enough to make me teary. There's plenty of sensuality and sexuality. Friendship, family, and beautiful collaring ceremony.
If you would like to download the book now (I'm so all about immediate gratification--for me, not pet of course lol) go here: http://www.loose-id.com/detail.aspx?ID=225
Friday, September 23, 2005Dis and Dat
I'm working on part two of Surprise, but for some reason it is like pulling teeth. I have it in my head fine, but it won't come out. Sigh. That's why I'm not a pro writer like others here on the kinkernet. Two boys? Seriously this should not be hard writing.
We're going out tonight! No kids, to a movie! Gee I feel all grown up. Pet offered to wear his collar for the occasion, which is a huge risk considering it is a straight up dog collar, not ornamental at all. He thinks he can sneak it by his PARENTS without notice. I say, well, humiliation seems to turn him on anyway, so woot!
This collar wearing thing is, I suspect, the culmination of a "discussion"/argument/come to terms moment we had last weekend about where we are going D/s wise. We talked a lot, and the final word was (taking a few hours/days of discussion and summing it up in one sentence) "prove you truly desire to submit, not just play kinky, and we go forward". That sounds really threatening, but I swear it is not a threat of any kind. I will always be with this man, the D/s is what is at stake, not us. Never us. No matter what the future brings--poly, D/s, more kids, no more kids, more money, less money, moving, staying put, whatEVER--I am committed and so is he. This is it folks, the real deal. So we'll see how the D/s turns out. I have faith, always, in my pet's bravery and desire to be his true self, whatever that is.
One last thing. Mona of Creative Nights In asked why we deleted a (well half) nekkid picture of me the other day. She is certainly quite brave in her "showings" over at her blog, and I highly recommend a trip over there. HOT! There's a couple reasons:
1. I think it was originally on Loveline back when it was a decent radio show, but some radio DJ was giving out romance advice when I was 17 or 18, and the NUMBER ONE RULE was "don't let your boyfriend take pictures of you naked". For some reason, I've always adhered. I felt it to be a personal expression of my self respect. PERSONAL--because I don't think anyone who takes nekkid pics or lets their partner take nekkid pics is disrespecting themselves. To each their own, of course, and I have great respect for those that risk and bare all, because...
2. I'm not a typically beautiful girl. I'm not ugly. I have a way about me that is sexy and even pretty, I think. I've come to accept my body and it's flaws and character over time. I treat it fairly well, but give it too many calories and my genetics suck. Therefore--I'm a bigger girl. That is ok with me now, but really, I don't need the negativity from troll commentors or just nasty people. Maybe pet will share how he sees me--his opinion is way better than any mirror or picture could be. And he is always bummed when I say no nekkid pics, lol.
Eh, maybe someday. The brave girls out there like Mona and Sarah inspire me!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005Surprise 1
This one didn't happen either.
"I have a surprise for you, pet," she said, and he could hear the purr in her voice. He was a bit afraid, but quite excited. Her surprises were always unique, often painful but usually fantastic. And never had she done something they had not discussed before hand. She was a responsible Mistress after all.
She produced the rope and blindfold, and proceeded to tie him to the bed. She tied each wrist and ankle to a corner, leaving him spread eagle and face down. He couldn't see or move. He settled in, comfortable and happily submissive. That's when he heard the voice, the other voice in the room. "You were right, Mistress, his ass is gorgeous." Just the sound of that voice made his flesh pucker and his blood chill. He was really scared now, but his cock betrayed him by growing stiffer into the mattress. The voice was that of K, the topless sub they had met at the play parties. The friendship they had built with him was about to pay off, big time.
K was a confirmed bisexual man, and pet wondered what was in store for him, a boy-sex virgin. He was curious, sure, and even aroused by the idea. Mistress knew this, obviously, or K wouldn't be there. As if reading his mind, he felt her lips brush his ear "remember your safe word, pet," she reminded him he could always call things off if he chose. He suspected he would choose otherwise.
Saturday, September 17, 200550 words or less of sex
I was given the instruction to write 50 words or less on any topic so long as it is sexy. Here goes:
When her lips first brush past my balls, tickling the hair and stimulating the skin, and her warm breath blows over the sensitive base of my penis, I immediately writhe about and want her to both stop and continue simultaneously. She continues and it is good. I love ball sucking.
That's exactly 50 words. Not quite as many as I had expected. I think I will have to revisit this paragraph later when I have more words at my disposal. Consider it a comedy post for now, or perhaps a preview, and by all means, an invitation to try ball sucking if you haven't yet.
I do love ball sucking!
Friday, September 16, 2005Posting
I've started three posts or so, then ran into writer's block. It's not that I don't have stuff to say about D/s or pet, it's just that I'm not sure how to say it. My eloquence is running short.
In good news, my orgasm has made a mini return--that is to say it appears unexpectedly from time to time, but then again disappears again randomly. In fact, during a lovely play session the other night I dried up all together despite enjoying myself thoroughly. What's up with that? Eh, I still blame hormones, because I know I'm aroused mentally, and even physically. I can feel the rush of heat to my loins, I can feel the tingly goodness, I can feel the ache to be filled by him. Just not the push over the orgasmic cliff.
We've been negotiating the terms of our interactions lately. Pet is still hesitant on many fronts submissively (though his kink factor is through the roof). He is just having the hardest time really letting go. I think trust issues run very deep here, which spurns hurt and resentment but also intimacy and love like no other. We have a very clean history, him and I. Neither of us have done any lying or true hurtful things to each other which is awesome. In fact, even our worst fights are always respectful and the anger is always tempered with respect. However, both of us have tough pasts to overcome, and it is a cryin' shame that our past crap has to come back in the bedroom. That, as they say, blows. So, we keep on truckin' and getting closer and more open and more domme and sub as things come along.
We owe this blog some sexy postage (we do have some to report, orgasm or not hot stuff has occurred). I put pet on the job, which means he has to carve out time from his much busier life.
I bought my hurricane relief porn--very excited to see it arrive. I also bought "A Touch of Fae", a new erotica fantasy by Lauren Dane. I read it in one day, it rocked. I have to say I liked the first one a bit better ("Triad"), but only because I have a truly special place in my heart for two boys at the same time.
Monday, September 12, 2005Another F/m journal
I discovered "ibelongtomadame" while surfing around. An enjoyable read, to be sure!
I admire all of the little subs out there willing to share their experiences. I know it can't be easy in this patriarchal world.
Saturday, September 10, 2005Pussy for Brunch
Mistress decided today was a good day to jump back into Dom mode and give me a taste of pussy. She started by laying down on me and cuddling, then proceded to lose her shirt and bra, and finally her pants, leaving her knickers on. She pushed my head into her crotch and told me to lick, rub, nuzzle, whatever through and around the panties.
her panties were soaking in a short while so she had me remove them, then buried my face in her sex again. I ate heartily of the juicy puss and she squirmed out her approval. She pushed two of my fingers into her cunt, and I finger-fucked her and ate her out until she came.
She wasn't satisfied yet, so she flipped over and sat on my face, leaving me breathing room but essentially burying my face in her pussy. I licked her into bliss again, and then she wanted to ride me. She had me put on a condom and started to fuck me in a new position for us. It didn't quite work out so we switched to a known good position and proceeded from there.
I fucked her and asked her if I could come. She said I could if I fucked her hard and yelled real loud when I did it. So I did. I accomplished this by continuing to pump away at her after my orgasm (really just inertia at that point, since I immediately grow weak) taking my hypersensitivity to another level by overloading it and forcing myself to scream. It works out well for both of us, I think.
She told me that she wants me to eat her pussy again tonight, but I need to shave first.
I also got a little cheeky and pulled out the digital camera. I was taking pictures of the baby crawling around and then I folded up the tripod and snuck it around a corner to catch a picture of her topless. Her expression was golden, both surprise and confusion. Her breasts are lovely too. She made me delete the picture and promised to punish me later too for doing it. I can't wait!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005Porn with a Purpose
Check this out! Comstock films is donating some proceeds from sales on September 14th to the Katrina relief effort.
Head on over to Freya's House for the full story.
Cool, porn you can feel really EXTRA good about buying!
Tuesday, September 06, 2005What I Learned This Weekend
1. Sudafed is goooooooooooooooooood.
2. Oh my, having my ankles tied is fun. I really enjoyed that more than I expected to. Something about the openess, the vulnerability, and the feeling of my lover back there looking at me, sizing up the possibilities of me. And if I felt this way, how will my little sub feel when I get him tied? I'm looking forward to this.
3. Ah spanking. It is so much more fun than I imagined it would be. I really enjoy the redness, the goose bumps he gets, the twitching, the yelping. I like that he knew I would spank him harder and more if he asked, and he did ask--indirectly. I really like that. And I like to receive as well, but I've always known I like a bit of pain.
4. Floggers are expensive.
5. I still want one! Any suggestions?
6. One can enjoy sex without orgasm, really enjoy it. Still miss the orgasm, but I'm enjoying the lack of pressure on either of us to "achieve" anything outside of a good time.
7. Pet is very much the bratty bottom at times, which can be hard to track because sometimes he really wants to be punished (see number 3), and somtimes he's not into subbing at all. Patience, patience in all things D/s. Things are easier all the time, but it has been a struggle to get there in an open, clear manner. Such is life.
8. For Secretive Slave: Yes we are mad rushed. Too much real life, not enough play time. The price we pay for having our darlings Stewie and the Older One. Our kids are awesome, and both of us would gladly step in front of a bus rather than experience life without them. And, this means that we have less grown up time. I know this will pass as they grow, and someday we'll be bugging them to talk to us at all let alone monopolize our time like this. I know I suffer sexually because I have two thirds of my mind on the laundry and the bills and the baby moniter and LIFE in general. I would love love love to have an empty house for 5 good hours. Of course, knowing us we'd spend 4 of them napping! But I want to enjoy their babyhood and childhood while I can, too, so the kink gets rushed. You're perceptive as always, and M is a lucky girl!
Monday, September 05, 2005Katrina
Well, I have little to say about it. We reserve this blog for fun, but I can't stay altogether silent when I see what is going on there. Tom, here, says it much more intelligently than I can.
Donate to the relief effort here.
Mistress crawled into bed today while I was playing around with her computer, trying to fix something unimportant. She crashed pretty hard for a few minutes, but when I came in and saw her completely covered, even her head, I knew she wasn't really asleep.
I crawled into bed with her, first facing her to kiss her and look at her beautiful blue eyes, then I jumped over her and pressed up against her back. We were both mostly naked, and shortly after some spooning and cuddling, we were naked. She told me how wet she was yesterday when we were interrupted, and I proposed we get her that way again.
Since she has been a bit under the weather lately, I didn't want her on her back, and she was still pretty physically tired, so I flipped her over on her stomach, and then moved the restraining webbing down from the headboard to the footboard. I used my makeshift rope-and-carabiner cuffs to tie her legs up, spread wide. Standing back, I had a glorious view of her ass and back and legs, lovely and delicious.
I started to collect an assortment of tools from around the house. I had a leather belt, a towel, a wet washcloth, a can of chocolate frosting, and some other various household objects of shape, texture, and temperature. I blocked her view with a pillow so she wouldn't know what I was using until it was too late.
I started with a couple good spanks. This is becoming more and more a part of our sex life, as we both really like it. I think I like the idea more than the pain, but it doesn't really matter since we both get off on it. I squeezed some water out of the cloth onto her back and made her shiver. I squeezed a few more drops into the top of her ass and let the drops roll down between her cheeks and across her anus. I played a little more, cooling her ass with water and then slapping it, thus intensifying both the sharp pain of the spank and the pleasantness of the relaxation period between spanks.
I cleaned her anus a bit more with the wet cloth, though it was, and usually is, very clean. I blew across some of the wet spots on her back and ass cheeks, making her squirm a little. She spread her legs a little wider for me, and rocked her hips a few times, which I took to be a sign of approval and welcome. (She later confirme that to be true.)
I took the can of frosting, got a dab on my finger, and then placed dots of frosting all down her spine into her ass, stopping at her asshole, where I left the last clump of frosting. I made some lame joke about her needing to wipe better to which she groaned, but then went back to moaning and writhing in pleasure when I started removing the frosting from her body with my tongue.
Tracing the line I made and starting near her neck, I followed the dots down her back, cleaning each one off before moving to the next. When I finally reached her ass, I dug deep with my tongue, licking and sucking and kissing until it came clean of sweet milk chocolate goodness.
This would have continued but the baby woke up screaming so I quickly toweled her off, unclipped her, and ran to wash my hands and face before removing "coitus interruptus" (as we now call him) from his crib.
Mistress later informed me that I had done well, and that she was wet, and that we should probably hook up a restraint system for both the top and bottom of the bed. Woohoo!
Sunday, September 04, 2005Partial Response Post
The sessions are often rushed or cut short (see Her "seconds" post a while back) due to extra-sexual circumstance, and both our hypersensitivity to the baby monitor makes sex less pleasureful than it could be. (Let's throw grammar and spelling to the wind!
I find that fatherhood leaves not enough time to do everything, and for a while there, just about anything, besides being a father and a good husband. I can say there have been only three nights that I actually got enough sleep since the baby was born, and that's three more than Her. I don't know how other people function sexually during the first year or two of a child's life, but preoccupation with base needs like sleep and parenthood are fairly consuming and really leave me conflicted when I try to make the leap into submission. Stray thoughts are not good, especially selfish or self-centered ones, when subbing, I find.
The notion of letting go is, for me, directly tied to how responsible I am at the moment for anyone or anything else, including myself. I have needs too, and if they aren't met, then I am a horrible sub, and that leads to hurt feelings. We have always said that sex more often leads to better sex which leads to sex more often. If I'm not so wrapped up in release because it's been a week (which rarely happens, we hardly ever go that long between) then I am free to serve her without getting antsy or my seemingly uncontrollable urge to hump her leg as a dog would. I have actually brought myself to orgasm with next to no effort and a little grinding of my cock on her thigh before. That kind of thing doesn't happen when "the boys" are hard at work replenishing my reserves rather than trying to keep the floodgates closed.
Anyway, that's a pretty stream of conscience post, probably just a fraction of a conversation held daily somewhere in D/s land, but I want to stop writing because it is bedtime and possibly sex time and both are at a premium compared to blog time. So, good night and great sex out there!
Is it us? Sometimes. She wears high heels sometimes, not because I like it, but because I love it, and usually she's teasing me by wearing them. As for the butt plug and the hard cock, I would say yes, my cock is hard and we do use a purple butt plug on me time and again. The cock is pretty huge compared to me, though, but I probably turn redder when she really gets me going. My ass gets even redder than that when I get her going on a spanking-me kick.