Saturday, December 27, 2008Defining my Dominance part II
The first part, here, has all the explanations.
3. Right Speech
Right speech is about how we conduct ourselves through our communications.
As applies to our household, in particular I expect my submissive to tell the truth. This means, if pet does not have time to complete a task I require, he says so. It means that if I ask him what he is thinking, he tells me as clearly and as honestly as humanly possible. It means that if he is stressed, busy, frustrated, he expresses these emotions to me in a way that is respectful but clear.
And he had better never tell me he's "fine" when he's not, or that "nothing is wrong" when something clearly is. I prefer an "I don't know" to a denial of what I can clearly see in front of me.
This means that he expresses his desires to me. He expresses his joy in submission whenever he can, he expresses his sexual fantasies and other slutty type wants. He tells me what he likes, and he is careful about what he doesn't like, because trying to top me from the bottom is not acceptable. He must choose his words carefully when he wants and needs something (a good rule of thumb is to be on his knees, acting as submissive as possible when he's got a complaint--this goes a long way toward easing my irritation ;)
He uses manners, and respectful words. He respectfully asks for what he needs, and is always gracious and sweet. He tells me how he feels about me whenever the thought arises unless he's feeling non-positive things. That he sits with until he figures out what exactly he feels and then he brings it to me in a loving way (I'm not perfect, but he'd better have a really good understanding of why he's critical before he shoots his mouth). These things, in particular, he does naturally but I want to write it out anyway because it does me good to know what I expect so that I can recognize my own source of irritation when it is absent for whatever reason.
When I'm not around he does not speak ill of me (and I do the same, really what is there to gain from badmouthing your love?) He does not keep secrets from me, ever, his truth is my truth and he makes it clear to others that this is so (and again, I do the same. Why would you live a dishonest life with someone? What would I gain from being secretive?)
He maintains daily contact with me via phone, email and texts when we're not together. He checks in just to say he's around, he's okay, he saw a funny thing. Maintaining frequent communication helps keep lines open and everyone in the loop. He is allowed privacy when it comes to friend to friend communication (everyone needs a place where their dominant is NOT, heh).
Right speech is an important one when your dominant is both a person who works with people and a writer. Unlucky for pet, who isn't always the best with his words. He's learned, and he continues to learn and grow as we both do.
I heard someone talking about submission to an owner past the dominant's death, and I like that idea. To serve someone past death is not altogether unlike serving them in life. (I should point out that my mistress is not dead, we were just exploring the concept.) I serve my mistress by being a good person in the world, by taking care of myself, by being mindful of my thoughts and actions, and by making sure the things that are important to her are attended to. As I said, not altogether unlike serving her while she is alive.
There are some things that are chores, and some things that are purely "acts of submission," but I do think that everything I do serves my mistress. For clarity - when I paint my Lady's toenails, that is more an "act of submission" and when I do the dishes, that is more of a "chore." What I mean by "everything" is that I make a conscious decision to serve my mistress every moment. At any time I can simply choose to not serve her, "turning off submission" so to say, but that is not how I choose to live my life. I mean that at any time, I can choose to eat a bunch of junk food, which is probably bad for my body and might make me ill, and then I am not available to do chores or paint toenails or make coffee or whatnot. So, making the choice every moment to serve is very important to me. It is also very obvious to her at any point when I choose not to serve for whatever reason at the time.
Monday, December 08, 2008Defining my Dominance
We review and rewrite our contract every year on New Year's Eve. It has become our check in time, a once a year chance for pet to regain equal status and decide whether he wants to continue in service to me or not. One of the things I've not done before is define what it is that I want for my household. I've decided to attempt some exploratory writing on the subject, see what comes up, in preparation for the rewrite. I expect this year's rewrite to be more in depth than in past years.
I'm going to start with the tenets of the Noble Eightfold Path, and see how they apply to my D/s style household. Obviously, I'm going to stray pretty far from Buddhist teachings in the process :) I'm hoping to develop a kind of mission statement for my self and pet out of these writings.
1. Right View
Right View as it applies to Buddhism has to do with being aware of the basic ideas of Buddhist thought. It has to do with learning the precepts and then sort of "meta learning" them so that you rise above any dogmatic approach. You learn things such as the true nature of life and death, karma, suffering, etc. Right view means having knowledge, but only as a starting off point and remembering to remain flexible and fluid.
In my household there are certain rules by which pet must abide. They include but are not limited to:
1. Tell me what I need to know to run my house.
2. Care for my property--physically, spiritually, emotionally (includes keeping doctors appointments and self-care rituals, practicing self-acceptance and honesty).
3. Anticipate my needs but do not assume you know everything.
4. I have the last word in all things, I make decisions and you abide.
5. Total, brutal self-honesty at all times
Obviously these are general principles of conduct. There are many more specific tasks that pet does as part of service, but these, in theory, should color his every decision and every movement throughout the world. There is no punishment as such if he disobeys these rules, but when he does disobey them, my ability and willingness to dominate him becomes limited. I suppose this works as punishment enough.
Right View as I apply it to my own house is that he would keep these five principles in his mind, and strive as much as humanly possible to maintain that view, my view of life. As I said, the adherence to these rules starts as dogmatic but becomes something much more fluid as practice deepens. What was once a forced situation becomes a more natural one, a more fluid one that can accept and release change. Right View is in the knowing what I'm looking for in a submissive.
2. Right Intention
In Buddhism, Right Intention is the active choice one makes to be different in the world. The link above defines it as the "commitment to ethical and mental self-improvement." Buddhists specifically intend three things: 1. renouncing desires, 2. good will, and 3. harmlessness. This is sort of the active phase of Right View. I understand the rules, and now I intend to act on them.
Right Intention applied to my house would take on a specific quality. My submissive should hold in his mind that submission is an active choice. Each task or life choice must be made with the intention of submission and service to/of me in mind. Right Intention for me means being strongly committed to the act of submission no matter what you are doing at the time. This is an energetic shift from a self-serving brain to an other-serving brain. Not an easy shift, I expect, to make.
And now this blog post is looooong enough. I hope to continue this exploration.
Thursday, December 04, 2008Product Review
I have been very delayed in writing this due to a host of bad shit that happened this year, but the knowledge that I've delayed on a promise sits heavy on my mind. So, I'm fulfilling a late promise and sending out a big loud THANK YOU to the folks at CiciLoves
They sent me a toy, see, free of charge but for my review of the product. Not long after I agreed (happily!), our world fell apart quite a bit and is only now creeping back on track. We haven't played much at all--perhaps you can tell from our absence here--let alone been able to do a full product review.
So this is my first blush review. I have some more ideas of how to use this little product, see, so I want to give them a shot too. But here's what I have so far:
For a relatively inexpensive fee, the boys at CiciLoves will send you a nifty little device, a cushiony thing with a weird shape, and a nice big hole in the middle. A bit more dough will get you a vibrator--a nice "magic wand" style vibe that plugs in and delivers an even, no battery-running-out stimulation.
The idea is that you put your vibrator in the cushion's hole, and it is in place. As someone who has done some damage to her forearms with too much typing and various knitting/crochet related activities, this is a big deal. The magic wand, while lovely, is also frikkin' heavy. Hands-free masturbation is a wonderful benefit of the device.
I'm a bigger girl and the cushion fits me fine, and because we are who we are, we know it fits pet fine as well. Kneeling on the bed over the cushion is great, sex while using the cushion is greater! It is a lot of fun and adds a certain ease of clitoral stimulation often missing from male/female sex, especially when we fuck "doggy style" (I hate that term. But I love that position so very much.) Orgasms for all!
Some ways I would like to use this device that I haven't yet involve my fucking of pet, rather than the other way around. They thoughtfully sent me an attachment I haven't used, a dildo that fits on the head of the vibrator. I have an image of some cuffs, this cushion, this vibrator, and me sitting on the other side of the room watching pet squirm. I like the idea of being able to stimulate him from afar, even of tying his hands oh so close but not close enough to touch his cock while his ass is overvibrated until he is doing that cute girly screaming he does when you tickle him too much.
(srsly, that is adorable)
I should say my communication with them was divine, they are responsive to any questions on a personal level, and knowledgable as they claim. The cushion is well made if a bit on the "cheap fabric" side of things (but it's for fucking, it shouldn't be fancy anyway). I'm grateful to their patience with me and this review, and I imagine they will be as gracious with you as a consumer of the product.
I'm considering a quick webcam video of pet using the device as I described (complete with girly screaming!) Anyone interested?
Thank you, CiciLoves! You guys rock and I'd be a return customer any day.