Saturday, August 26, 2006Being A Domme
Thanks for everyone's support on the last, somewhat dramatic post.
Sometimes the old snakes get back on the plane, ya know? But I feel much better now thanks to some self reflection and a really nice service session from pet.
I was thinking today about how being a Domme, being free to do that at home, has really screwed me up in other areas.
I can NOT suffer patiently whilst others bicker about a decision. I can't really take charge in all situations, so I simply sit on my hands until it becomes clear that SOMEONE has to make a call. Then I do, as politely as possible, always acquiescing if someone disagrees. Then, naturally, the bickering and indecision go on. I think I've bitten my tongue bloody by now, lol! It is my nature to be polite and accommodating in a group where I'm not in charge, but sometimes I wish I could just whip out the crop and tell everyone "this is how it is going to be"! Wonder how that would go down at work...
Thursday, August 24, 2006Not Right
I again hesitated to post because I wasn't sure how to word what I wanted to say about our D/s, our sex life in general, and all things related to it.
Things just...aren't quite right. We're very happy outside the bedroom, very busy as always with the kids and the house and the jobs and such. Pet is doing a beautiful job with training and development and is truly lovely to be living with these days. I'm very proud and happy that he's mine.
When it comes to sex, though, my libido made a break for it somewhere in the last three weeks or so. What the hell? I have no reason at all to be feeling a lack of desire for sex, but there it is.
I've analyzed it all to hell, and I hate to say it but I think it boils down to that age old irritation for me--body image. I just don't like my body right now. Often, I do. Right now, not so much.
I'm amazed at how this can hook up so tightly to my sex drive. Nothing has changed, a few pounds up thanks to the end of nursing my infant, but not so many that it matters in my look. I'm still lower in weight than before the pregnancy, even. Still though, the little devil of self-hatred has invaded my soul and won't get out. Bah. I hate that thing. And when I think of being desired, of being touched, it just doesn't add up. You know the old story "how can he think I'm attractive when I look like this?" And then I basically talk myself out of being aroused.
Amazing how, when you think you've conquered something, it comes right back at you to bite you in the ass.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006Shorts
A short one today.
You all probably noticed I'm a big reader of erotic fiction. I added some links to a few of my favorite authors on the sidebar there. They write in a variety of genres, though the common thread is definitely hot sex.
Most of them have excerpts on their sites, which is a nice bonus.
Friday, August 18, 2006Going well
The past week my Lady has been suffering from various physical ailments that occur more frequently in females, which means Her sex drive has taken a steep dive until they pass. I have been working extra hard at spoiling Her and taking care of myself, and I haven't been defensive or guilt-ridden or frustrated for the whole time. I consider this a testament to Her caring for me even when She is sexually incapacitated for a brief period of time and to my work on myself and my submission without resent.
Our nights have been filled with laying about and cuddling, a little TV, a lot of sleep, and the occasional passionate kissing bout. We've really been enjoying ourselves lately, and I feel special, and so I'm trying to make her feel special, and all around it's been really nice.
Tonight She is out and I am home, so I am posting this brief update on our little part of the world. We're going on a little vacation in a bit and She has some plans for activities while we are up there, and I am most assuredly the victim. We're very excited about it!
I should also mention that Her post right before this one refers to an earlier incident (like a week or so ago). I am referring to the time since then. Sorry for the confusion!
Thursday, August 17, 2006Attitude
It's almost always attitude that gets us into trouble.
What pet calls "going inside his own head". When he forgets his place and gets caught up in life's difficulties.
Not that I don't have my own faults, I do. I work on them as much as anything.
He wound up strapped to the shower door as a result of his attitude, though I can't say it was "punishment" per say. More an acknowledgement of his need for stricter attention.
It was quite pleasant, for both of us.
Thursday, August 10, 2006Training
I've been struggling about how to discuss the training program I've started with pet, because a lot of it is based on very personal, non-sexual issues.
I might be an exhibitionist but not for the more emotional side of all this. I find that much more private than anything sexual. Sex is commonplace, predictable. Our training program goes far beyond ass stretching and cunnilingus exercises (though we do that, and that is very fun).
Much of my training is focusing on how to help pet be more trusting, more willing to give over, how to maintain his personality and identity as a separate person while still submitting to me. How to get his needs met. A tricky careful dance that is really an hour by hour process.
He's put some basic tenets on the back of the closet door to read each morning.
He mentioned household chores, and yes that's part of it but not as you'd imagine. We tend to split things pretty equally, he does the lion's share of outdoor activities as we live in a hot climate and I'm an air conditioning person. In fact, from the outside you'd see us as pretty traditional, which always gives me a laugh to consider. He is learning to maintain some chores, but the point is making my life easier while getting his needs met so he is happy, rather than doing this chore or that chore. He has to learn balance, or he is miserable. My job is to help teach him how to balance with the strict expectation that he work in all things to make sure I'm pleased.
I'm at my most pleased when he is happy and fulfilled, as well as I am happy and fulfilled. This is the secret of D/s for us--making sure he feels cared for, so that he is free to serve me without worry. But it is his job to tell me what care he needs, and his job to follow through. This is where the heart of our training lies--allowing pet to know himself so he can take care of himself...so he can serve me.
It appears to be going well, so far.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006On limits
Candace (Woman Rules Roost) has written recently about limits and got me thinking about them.
Pet's limits have changed dramatically over time. In the beginning I longed for a deeper submission, when he was still questioning the process and struggling with trust. But as time went on and we moved along, I found that he would go much deeper into submission--and by that I mean he would accept my direction without question, he would complain less and comply more.
Though there are many examples, let's look at pain.
Pet requested the spankings, to begin with. He wanted to experiment, to see what was so sexy about them. But he and I both hesitated at causing him actual pain. However, as the time wore on, he discovered a unique and unexpected masochism within himself. He doesn't get a hard on from pain, but somehow he craves it. As we've explored, we've graduated from my hand to a ping pong paddle to a rice paddle, the fly swatter, and finally the crop. There is no mistaking the pain of a crop, but there is no mistaking pet's desire for it, either.
His limits have changed. His desire for pain and submission has increased, his reluctance for the position has decreased.
I can't think of anything more sweet, really.
Saturday, August 05, 2006Happy All Week
This week was a very pleasant week for us. It started on a sour note where I took an unannounced hiatus from all things sexual for an evening, and of course, that was the evening She was so horny that She had to get off anyway with me whispering dirty talk into her ear and caressing her body while she masturbated. I can't really explain the sudden vacation, but it had lasting detrimental effects on our sex life for the rest of the week. By Wednesday I was back to my normal self, horny as ever and acting as though nothing had happened, and She was still retreating from me since Monday had been so off-putting.
Now, sex aside, my submission this week has been pretty spectacular, if I do say so myself, which I do. I worked hard to make sure I put Her desires first, and did lots of things that she liked. She told me that I should worry less about what I don't do and just do things that would make her happy. Of course, I can't make her happy, but by providing happy stimuli, she can choose to become happy, which she does choose to do.
I massaged her feet nightly, lotioned her body all over, drew her a bath and sat with her, even shaved her legs for her (which is totally hot if not a little scary from all the potential to cut her), took the kids completely off her hands for an evening and took care of all the chores, and just made life generally pleasant for Her. Thursday She acknowledged my efforts with a session of buns, and a very hot one at that.
For those of you that have been with us a while, you know we ripped off the "buns" label from another blog, and I now forget which one, but for any new(er) readers, it is basically me fucking her ass crack and ejaculating onto her back and general butt-crack vicinity. (Isn't "buns" a much nicer label for that? I think so.)
Anyway, I decided to work on not ejaculating right away, though I could have a few seconds after making contact. (When I'm on, I'm really on.) I continued to grind all around her ass, stopping every couple strokes to let the throbbing subside, then picking up again until I was about to burst.
At this point, I repositioned us so that She was on her elbows and knees, and I was riding into Her crack so that my cock was aimed somewhat up. I then let loose and exploded all over her back, up to her neck, hitting one shoulderblade with an exceptionally large glob, and then pulsated the rest of my cum on top of her ass. She was slightly impressed with this but it was also expected since it had been so long since my last orgasm.
As far as training goes, I've been given several tasks, many of which are short daily ones. Mostly they involve monitoring my defensiveness and keeping on top of chores and such. I've had a few tasks to complete, some I even recommended (like composing a haiku in the shower while touching myself). All in all, I've been very happy and very non-confrontational and it's been a really pleasant week.