Tuesday, March 27, 2007New Ground
Last night marks the first time I drew blood on pet.
It wasn't even a long scene, but I raised enough blood to the surface that when I went after him with my new toy, which is truly evil and lovely, I got blood, enough to make me stop and clean up since it was our first time and all. A picture of a similar object is here:
It's a wire brush to keep ballroom dancing shoes scuffed up on the bottoms. What happens when sadists clean out their closets? Evil, that's what.
I felt a myriad of emotions, raw desire being in the forefront closely followed by worry. He's fine, btw, it was really nothing and left a pretty square of pinholes in his ass for me to admire.
He actually wanted more pain, and I'm really amazed at how far we've come since we started BDSM. He didn't complain or worry me about it, just said he could have done more if I wanted to. He also mentioned that digging my nails into his thigh doesn't prevent orgasm like it used to.
Anyway, it was a big moment for us, for me, to keep going in scene despite that kind of intensity (no more ass beating commenced, however, MY limit was reached). I'm proud of us.
Monday, March 19, 2007Unblocked
We were out of town last week, separately, which sucks.
But pet got 30 birthday crops last night *weg* and quite a few before he left as well.
Nothing, nothing gets me hotter than a red ass. Truly.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007Blocked
Wanting to do all the things my wicked heart desires, but when I reach that moment of possibility I back down. Too afraid, too unsure of myself, too unsure of the reality of the situation.
I abhor this kind of feeling. I've lost control of my own control and it bugs the crap out of me. I'm a born domme, of that I have no question, but I do question my ability to take what I want and turn it into reality.
And I really fucking wish pet would keep his own anxiety to himself sometimes. As soon as his fears come out, I back down. When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them without consent. When he's asking to be hurt, then instantly balking when the opportunity arises, it leaves a big frustrated and confused knot in me. I can't deal with my own lack of self-acceptance and his at the same time. But I don't want him to stop talking to me--communication is so important.
Maybe I can deal with both, but dude, it is harder than I thought. Amazing after two years of this it only gets harder. More real, I imagine.
Sunday, March 04, 2007The toy cabinet
We finally broke down and bought a toy cabinet. An eight foot tall toy cabinet, with drawers and hanging hooks.
Gotta love Ikea, LOL.
I'm very excited to get everything organized and neat, so that it is more easy to grab in a heated moment. I find I get sidetracked and off base when I have to search through a messy drawer for what I want.
I'm also happy to report that I've totally quit biting my nails. After about six months of diligent manicures and a few months of false nails on top, I've been able to get them fairly strong and healthy. Very nice for scratching, which is an easy BDSM activity that pet seems to eat up. I've left some lovely patterns on his back, and I particularly like grabbing tight onto his thighs during sex. I like the gasps of pain. Best habit I could have broken, really.
I hope to get pics of the cabinet up to share (our toy collection is sort of mish mash, but it works for us).