Sunday, January 27, 2008Domme not Mom
I want to talk about the difference between dominating someone and parenting them. The difference is subtle, slight and in some cases I've read basically non-existent.
There are some who thrive on parenting another adult, but I'm not one. I am not turned on or attracted to a person who cannot thrive on their own. I don't want to be depended upon for anything, any more than I want to depend on anyone for anything. Of course, once you join your life with someone (or someone-s), you do become dependent, or rather at the very least symbiotic in your dealings. It is the way life goes.
That said, if you watched us from the outside, as I'm sure many of our RL friends and family do, we seem to be that couple. The one where the wife tells her husband what to wear and how to act and who to be without hesitation. I look, on the outside, like a mom to him and that is just ugly. I know we get judged for that, but eh, fuck 'em.
The difference between how we are perceived and how we truly are is that I don't tell him those things "for his own good" or "because he can be a better man if." Pet is a wonderful man, was the second we met and will be whether I'm around or not. The heart of our arrangement is even more selfish. I tell him what to do because it pleases me, and he does what I say because it pleases him to please me.
A true symbiosis, if an unusual one.
It so happens that it pleases me that pet is happy, healthy and well cared for. It pleases me that he is sweet and romantic and focused on me which means a lot of his needs must be met. It might not have meant that, and we might have a very different looking life, but as long as it is consensual, that is how we want to live. Both of us.
When I make him eat broccoli, it is with a very different flavor than when I make a child eat broccoli. The kid needs to learn good eating habits. Pet needs to stick around so I can spend more time with him. I'm not trying to better pet, my actions are purely selfish here. When I make sure pet has his needs met, it is so that he can be a better submissive. Symbiosis.
I don't have the energy or desire to parent one more individual in the world, I have enough on my plate. I work very hard to distinguish the two, because if I feel too momish too often, I get depressed and overwhelmed. I battle the feelings of selfish entitlement that I get when I domme, because it feels wrong. It is societally unacceptable to feel and think the way I often do. But I've always felt that way, ever since I can remember. It is hard to have a nature that is contrary to what you were taught was "right." But what I try to remember is, as long as the folks around me consent, even revel in what I am, then there isn't anything wrong but judgment from outsiders. Consent makes all the difference, and is the difference between parenting a child who cannot consent and dominating an adult who can.
Saturday, January 19, 2008Adding some D/S elements to our lives
We have been trying to work in some play during other tasks in our schedule lately, and it is fun! I thought I would highlight a few recent ones.
* We're trying out a credit-based chore system on the kids which assigns points for chores. While I am happy to do the chores for the satisfaction of a job well done, I threw myself in the mix with that and I just accumulate points. My Lady then assigns a point value to things the kids want
and then they can trade out for them, and so she does the same for me. Lately, I've been trading my points in for picking out lingerie for her to wear for a little while in the evening once a week. She gives me things to wear too, and there is no point value associated with those items, she just does it because she is My Lady, and that makes me happy.
* I forgot to leave My Lady's coffee in the fridge one morning. When she discovered it, she asked what the punishment should be (and I didn't reply "I'll get back to you"). I told her I would make her an icy cold blended coffee drink later (because I'm always at work, it would seem) and put it in a glass cup and she could use my back for a cup-holder. The long and short of what happened was that it was (un)pleasantly cold as expected but even at my most determined, I am just too unstable to be a cupholder, cold or not. She had fun just pushing the glass into my ribs and holding it on my back though, so all was not lost.
Friday, January 18, 2008Thoughts on Punishment
"what the consequences are for your pet when he does not follow them?"
Uh, I'm supposing "I'll get back to you" isn't an acceptable answer, LOL. The truth is I have no real idea. I have some things I do know, though.
1. I don't want to be anyone's mom. At least, not anyone else's and certainly not pet's. Not my kink.
2. I don't want to be disobeyed. Ever.
The rules we set up are not, like, a set of rules that he is free to break with known consequences. I'm not going to pull him over and write him a ticket if I catch him speeding, for example, like the cops will to all of us. The rules we set up are mutually agreed upon unbreakable guidelines for our life. I don't get to enact a consequence, because he doesn't break the rules. Neither do I, for that matter, because I have my part in them as well (i.e., when the rules say I have his best interest at heart, I better well fucking maintain that.)
That said, what does happen when the terms of the contract are not met? I don't know, we've never gotten that far. If pet isn't abiding by the contract, either the contract is flawed or his submission has been removed. Either one requires more serious attention then a session with a paddle or whatever.
Now, for small things, the opportunity for playful discipline can be great! Example: he forgot my coffee a morning ago. Once I realized it, I gave him the opportunity to pick his own poison which he did in the form of cold coffee on his bare back. But this wasn't punishment, see. This was fun for both of us. He is a masochist, if a reluctant one, and pain and pleasure and sensation of all types are generally a good experience (note I did not say pleasurable, but the whole pain/pleasure blah blah is for another post). I see the fun of being dominant in these little things--both the good choice and bad lead to a good time. BDSM is play, no matter what.
I guess that was the roundabout way to say I don't really "punish." But I'm interested to see how other folks approach the same ideas.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008Rule Number Four
4. You will take care of your looks and health. This includes but is not limited to:
Keeping a yearly physical and bi-yearly dental appointments
Shave regularly (once every other day or when I say so)
You know the hair deal. A haircut every three months or at my request.
A massage a minimum of every six months, preferably every three months with the haircut. You keep track of the schedule, I'll make it happen.
Scheduling one night of “you” time per week
This used to be a much more vague rule about self care, but pet has a tendency to neglect himself when he's stressed. Thus, the rules have become more directive. I've deleted several more identifying details, as well, including times and dates, etc.
The one thing I have not scheduled is sex/scene time. We are working toward a level of connection that would allow us to scene on a schedule, but for now we find we have to spend a lot of time being intimate before we can connect enough to scene. I hope to add this as this contract becomes more ingrained.
Friday, January 11, 2008Rule Number Three
Anticipate if you can, but don't push it. If you don't know, ask. Default to asking. No assumptions!
That seems obvious enough, but every time we think we nailed communication, it comes apart again. We have IM, email, phones, bluetooths...and we still manage to miss each other's points a lot.
And because I'm the domme, it's his job to ask. My prerogative ;)
Incidentally--if you have a D/s blog and you would like to trade links, let me know. A lot of my links are long gone, and many more have popped up that I am unaware of.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008Rule Number Two
2. Your wife has the last word. Be yourself. Give your opinion, feel free to make good points. When XXX is spoken, shut up and do what you're told. Trust her above all else, remember she has your best interests at heart.
XXX stands for a safeword, of sorts. We have a safeword, too, for BDSM bedroom play, and this is a different word. We've found, through trial and error, that pet reacts badly to certain requests. He often becomes argumentative and demanding--especially when he doesn't understand or agree. This isn't rocket science, most of us feel the same way. Except when you're talking 24/7 D/s or as close as you can get to that, we're not "most of us."
I get really irritated when he challenges my authoritay (Cartman-style), and he gets defensive and once again, we've totally left the D/s building. Because if I feel he's withdrawn consent, I stop, see. So he came up with the second safeword. This is MY safeword--my way to get him to quit arguing with me and do what he's told, my way of reminding him, in public or private, his chosen and cherished position in life. Truly, since we've set up the new safeword I've only used it once--I think it is a point of pride for him now, which works just fine for me ;)
We also did a little exercise over the summer that worked really well. Pet was having trouble trusting me to remember him in my decision making (despite, to his own admission, my NEVER having forgotten to take him into account). We put some mantras up on the closet door, things like "My lady always has my best interests at heart" and "My lady is not my mother," and the like. He read those ever day, and again it became a point of pride to keep those things in mind throughout the day. That really helped, too.
Sunday, January 06, 2008Rule Number One
I'm going to put up some bits of our contract (minus the more personal and thus identifying factors). As always, your mileage may vary--I do not consider us experts or anything. In terms of the whole, we spent a weekend discussing what we thought worked and what needed improvement, and made changes based on that. I set up all the specifics and wrote the rules, but he is very much in agreement.
Read enough of my blog and you'll discover I'm not as much creative as a good thief. Our first rule comes originally (to me, anyhow) from Gabriel who as far as I know has long departed the blogosphere. I hope he and Kaylem are well.
Our first (of 10) contractual rules is this:
1. Tell me anything I need to know to make good decisions for our family. This includes but is not limited to:
Your work schedule.
Your current state of physical wellbeing, level of energy, emotional state
Anything you need.
Anything you want.
Our financial situation
Whatever chores you've done that day
Previously, this read only "Tell me anything I need to know..." I added the bullet points this year. Pet is often not good at being in touch with how he feels, especially if stress is becoming an issue. He lives to serve and please, which means he gets very busy and forgets to tend to himself. He just gets to a breaking point and then breaks, without any of us the wiser until it happens and the poor thing is a twitchy mess incapable of anything besides comatose TV watching. Service, obviously, is out the window, and everyone gets hurt and confused and upset. Easier way? Tell me how you're doing--that forces him to check in with HIMSELF as much as me, and be aware when things are getting too "whirly" on the inside.
He also has a hard time getting things for himself, despite working very hard to earn some fun. So he gets to tell me, so I can get it for him.
As for chores--both of us are doing many thousands of little things to keep the house running, and if he lets me know it gives me more of an opportunity for punishment and reward. Neither of which are disliked here at Temple PW.
I hope as this contract accompanies us forward, I can use these check in points to be more conscious of what pet needs, and what I need, and how he can fulfill my desires while still making sure he's cared for.
Saturday, January 05, 2008Returning to posting
It's been a while since we posted, but that's been covered. What is new?
The contract has been revised, that's new.
The kids are older and more self-sufficient, that's good.
Our understanding of each other is growing, and that's great!
We had a rough patch the past several months/year. Our relationship was fine but the scenes were almost non-existent, sexual endeavors were few and far between, and more often than not we just lay comatose on the sofa for up to an hour after the kids went to bed.
We had lots of communication and assumption issues, which the new contract addresses. We communicate a lot more, have some scheduled check-ins, and have set up weekly planning meetings and such. We also set up things like pedicure and self-care nights, both of which I enjoy.
I am presently working on not working - or rather, leaving work at work so that when I am home, I can focus on what is really important, my lady (and the kids). The biggest complaint we both had of last year was how I worked and worked and worked and was just always operating in cover-my-ass-get-it-done mode. This made me really touchy and argumentative, neither of which are qualities my lady wants her submissive to be exhibiting.
There are some additional things that we are looking forward to this year. My job situation and the kids' school situation is changing to allow for more time available to us during the day and more predictable daily routines, both of which are good.
The hope here is that with diligence and effort to maintain open communication, we will have a better understanding of each other and thus an easier time transitioning from parents/workers/homemakers into lovers. As always, the blog is here to help chronicle what we try that works and what fails.
Thursday, January 03, 2008mobile post test
Mistress wanted me to test a post from my mobile device so I am doing that presently. I do hope it works!
We've had a very vague contract in play for the last two years--really it was just a written set of rules including Gabriel's once-famous "tell me what I need to know to make good decisions." Other things like that, very open-ended so as not to put pressure on pet in any way.
Turns out, I think I did more harm than good to us that way. Especially in the last six months, things have been stressful for pet so I backed way off of my expectations and truly my own desires in order to let him handle his business in peace. Which wound up causing him a LOT more stress.
I think what I forgot was that pet is a submissive. DUH. He doesn't need freedom and space, he needs tightening down when he's stressed, literally and figuratively. But it is my nature to be kind as well as, you know, dominant. When I'm stressed, I want the demands on me to decrease not increase. But pet wants more specificity, more direction, more of everything to keep him on track when his mind is spinning.
So we're going to try it. I wrote out a more complex, much longer contract mainly concerned with specficity--but it still isn't probably what you would imagine...
He has to get regular haircuts and massages
He has to take one night a week off of service
We take one night a week to do my pedicure and other things that are service-related
I will schedule his household chores more specifically--especially on weekends
He still has to tell me what I need to know to make good decisions but now we have a weekly meeting to discuss such things
All this has room to grow and change, of course. We're flexible. But adding LESS flexibility seems to have reduced stress and increased connection. We'll see how it goes long term.
Much thanks for the support and advice--I'm taking notes :)