Sunday, February 22, 2009Under Contract Again
Our contract expires on new year's eve each year and is open for renegotiation at that point. Since October, we've had a lot of drama; medical stuff and extended family stuff, so in other words, life. Given all that was going on, I am grieving and have situational depression, and that does not a good sub make. My lovely mistress decided not to let me sign the contract until I was feeling and acting better.
We discussed at dinner a few days ago how these past months, we don't get each other; we're not on the same page. We both feel like we have no idea what the other person wants when they speak. She said "are you ready for our date tonight?" and I said yes, and then she said "Are you really ready?" to which I said yes, and started freaking out that she was going to do something or expect something and it was going to be weird or too intense or if I slip up or anything goes wrong, she'll be upset and never want to date with me again or some other super-dramatic extreme thought. Turns out she was just joking around and was just excited. I never picked up on it until she said that, and that caused so much craziness in me because I had no idea what she was saying.
More to the point, she feels like I am overburdened. I have assumed a lot of the responsibilities for the household chores for various reasons, in addition to working full time and taking care of the kids when I'm home, and it keeps me very busy. She now feels like if she asks me to do even one more thing on top of this, I'm going to throw my hands up in the air and walk out and declare her too needy and impossible to live with. I try to reassure her that I am not overburdened and I do get joy from service, and that nothing is permanent (another lesson from Buddha). That said, she can't really be dominant to me if she is afraid of telling me to do something. She says she hears the words I say, but she doesn't see the joy in my service, only the anger and frustration and worry I wear on my sleeve.
I have been hard to live with - we've been living in crisis mode for a while now. Things kept happening outside of our household that drew our attentions away, pretty much daily. My Lady felt like she couldn't make plans for the week since she had no idea what was going to happen. I hesitated to commit to anything for the same reason. It's been all pins and needles around here and not in a fun, kinky way. Couple that constant anxiety with my situational depression and I go bonkers. I am still happy to serve, but I am easily frustrated and angered and then I can't shake the bad mood.
The other day I got a small bill for a copay to a doctor's office after I called the doctor's office twice and the insurance company and they all said "no copay." When I called the insurance company again they said "I don't know who you talked to but of course there's a copay." I lost it. It isn't even a big deal, it's a tiny copay but I felt like the world was just closing in on me, like people lie to me and it's not just, and that's a big trigger for me. The end result is me stomping around, grumpy and mad at this little copay and some misunderstandings that I would usually laugh off and say "Heh, I figured there was a copay. Seemed too good to be true."
I was sour for a while after that, and when my lovely Lady rolled in to eat the lunch I had prepared for her, she naturally assumed that I was a raging lunatic because I made her lunch and she was a few minutes later than I expected and her food was a little cold and I was totally pissed off at her for slipping her schedule a little or something. At the point that I'm frustrated with something, it's hard to tell what it is directed at, and no matter how much I tell her it isn't her, it was this other thing that set me off, it doesn't matter. She has to deal with me in my bad mood and wonder/worry if it is about her, and that makes her withdraw, and then I get more upset because she is upset, and around we go for the rest of the day.
So as of late, I've been working on not being defensive, and letting things go as fast as possible to shake the bad mood. My ultimate goal is to not get triggered at all, to let it go before it hits and then I don't have to let the bad mood go because it will never have started. Bad moods are mutually exclusive from good service in our house.