Monday, October 31, 2005Spanking and Ass Fucking
I must say that I was not really in to the idea of spanking when I first read about it, saw pictures of it, and tried it. I was like "what the fuck? This shit hurts. Why the fuck would I do this?" My internal dialogue has a big potty mouth and apparently I'm not quite as open minded as I try to be. Too bad for me! Spanking fucking rules! I love getting my ass beat hard now. For a while I was doing things to egg Mistress on to get her to spank me, since it was such a natural reflex for her. (Who says Domming has no genetic roots?)
Now, I push her buttons constantly in efforts to get her to beat my ass, fly swatter, rice paddle, big purple dildo, hand, whatever. I think it's having the opposite effect now. What can she do when she wants to punish me for being snarky and cheeky and a host of other bad sub behaviors? So now she winds up for the pitch, and I swing my ass around and she just groans and smiles and walks away. Go figure.
The other night I was tasked with a stay-at-home date. She had to work, so when she left, I had the baby to feed, bathe, and tuck in to bed, which is far more work intensive than it seems on paper. Her work got out early, so she called me while I was working on cleaning up and entertaining the increasingly awake baby to tell me she was on her way home, and I asked her to kill some time for a while because I was nowhere close to ready. So she did, and I continued on working frantically with a young child strapped to my chest. Were I less secure in the safety of my submission, I would have thought she was just trying to get me to do chores and take the baby off her hands for a while, but since we've been over and over that, I felt just fine, though my mind was a bit fried when she did show up. I had to take a break when she came in.
I did manage to prepare dinner and clean up enough to make the date doable, and when she got home, she was able to knock the baby out with her GIANT HUGE BIG BREAST-MILK FILLED BOOBS OF ENORMOUS HUMONGOUSNESS (that ought to get me a spank when she reads this). And so the date began after a little bit of hugging and resting in each others arms.
We had a nice dinner of easily prepared food assembled by yours truly. We then moved on to a little card game I made earlier that day called "reward and pusishment cribbage." I had made a bunch of cards with punishments for me (well, rewards in a sense, I'll get into that later) and rewards for her. After we both pegged our hands, she would draw a card from either pile, whatever she liked at that moment, and then we did that thing. I kept it non-bedroom oriented because there is no way we would be fucking just yet, but it was still sexy.
I had reward cards like backrub, footrub, or kisses for points; and I had punishment cards like 10 spanks, hands cuffed to chair, and blindfold. My favorite one was the hands cuffed to chair while she plays with my penis, thus making it impossible for me to pleasure myself more than she wanted. It was pretty hot, and after the game, we moved into the bedroom to pick up.
So, since I had done such a nice date, she rewarded me with a bit of sense play, covering my head with a pillow and tracing my body with the flyswatter (clean, unused on flies or similar). We followed up with some more kissing, hugging, rolling about, and eventually got into my ass. Ah yes, first time back there in a while, so we started slow, with the condom-covered butt plug and a lot of lube. I had just shaved my ass so it was pretty easy to navigate and no hair-pulling, always a good thing.
She probed it slowly for a bit, forcing it wider and adding lube constantly. My "rosebud" just soaked it up or something. I was face down on the pillow as she started to drive the plug into my ass by inserting her finger where the broken vibrating bullet used to go. Simultaneously, she grabbed my dick and started squeezing and pulling. This felt really good, and I'm getting a boner right now just thinking about it while I write it down.
She continued, working my ass, which was now loose and pleasantly comfortable with the plug sliding in and out. I had to take over on my cock because she found it too difficult to focus on two parts of me like that. She kept fucking me hard while I yelled to her to "FUCK MY ASS HARD!!!!" and other such phrases that sound really goofy until you're in the moment, at which point "BACON AND CHEESE PLEASE" sounds pretty fucking hot.
My cock had also taken some of the lube that ran down my ass crack onto my balls, so I had no trouble appending the few remaining squeezes and strokes it took to blow my juice all over her foot, her pillow (which became my pillow at that point) and the bed sheets.
I was wiped out after that, but shortly after as I was cleaning up, I asked her to spank my ass hard, 10 times in a row. Usually I ask her to pause at three per cheek, but I wanted to see what more was like. It was really good, so good that I've been after more spanks all the time, which is where this whole post started.
On an unrelated note, I've been drawing lots more in my special pervo-pad or whatever you'd like to call it. I see good things coming in the future!
Thursday, October 27, 2005Two Drawings
Man Fucking Woman
Woman Sucking Cock
Just did these last night, Mistress got me a brand new big sketch pad to make dirty creations. Thank you Mistress! They're rough, but they're as far as I want to go with them.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005More on Male Masturbation
laurent asked re: my post about masturbation if I liked the erotic quality, or the rush of knowing pet is doing it for me. Also, he wanted to know if I had other lovers masturbate for me in the past.
The answer is a big yes to all three. I have always gotten wet at the thought of a man masturbating--I can trace those fantasies back to the age of 13 or so, but no real catalyst for them comes to mind. And I do believe it is a power thing for me as well as a simply sexy one. I love knowing a man is so hot for me he will jerk off right there rather than wait. I love phone sex for this reason, just kicking back and hearing him get off on the mere thought of being with me. Hot. I am really into orgasm control, always have been. I gush over being in charge of a man's sexual pleasure, watching him get googly with desire then allowing him to cum, or not, at my behest.
I've had most of my lovers--all the long term ones--masturbate for me, on me, over the phone for me. Shoot, the other day some random guy YIMed me and masturbated right there--with bound balls no less (I was not looking for this, btw, but had a brief chat about how it felt to be bound, techniques, etc. Good typist, for doing it one handed).
I've never Dommed outright before now, as you know if you've been reading, so it wasn't an overt power thing before. It was always hot, though, some of my favorite times. Some of the guys I've been with were pretty bad lovers, selfish, and having that bit of control was quite good. Took me a few more years to learn to ask for what I wanted, and another couple to learn that I preferred making demands.
Eh, live and learn!
Monday, October 24, 2005Pervertables
Now that we are back in the swing of D/s, we've been playing around with some household items.
Two days ago, I spent some time moving a silk robe belt over pet, lightly slapping and tickling him with it all over. His lips proved most reactive to the silky fabric. His body erupted in goose bumps. Soon I tied one end to each thigh and tied his cock in between--a kind of spreader bar plus cock ring ensued. Very hot.
Silly pet picked out his own instrument of torture at the grocery store--a plastic fly swatter (50 cents or less). This is a light, easy to use thwacker that packs a lovely sting. I love the way his ass gets all goose bumpy and red when I use this on him. He reported that the fly swatter is a bit less painful than the rice paddle we've been using, so he enjoyed it more. His cock hardening nicely proved evident of that fact--too much pain and he goes soft. Just the right amount, however...
That rice paddle is fun for me, but he suffers. Do I feel bad? Sometimes....heehee.
I turned on the comment verification thingy--sorry about that, but the spam is weird and sneaky now, and I'd rather avoid the issue. I still want to keep anonymous comments, because some of us out here are a bit shy ;)
Friday, October 21, 2005F/m Blog
O/our journey into D/s
I am entranced by this self described slave, and his worshipful writings on all things D/s and his Mistress. Lovely.
There is just something about foot worship that rings my bell--washing, kissing, licking and fucking. Ahh. Nice.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005Masturbation Fetish
I have this fetish, this thing I love that makes me totally mad with desire yet totally screws me (no pun intended) if I act on it.
I love, obsess about, watching pet pleasure himself.
This is not new to me, I've always fantasized about watching a guy jerk off. I think this is related to my own need for power--I get wet when I make pet so desperate to cum that he'll jerk off right in front of me, all the while wishing he could do more. Of course, this kind of leaves me wet and wanting, but sometimes it is just worth it to see him so crazy with desire and longing, but unable to do more than the pathetic imitation of lovemaking that is masturbation for a man.
Last night? One of those nights I wanted to feel in control more than I wanted to orgasm. So, we cuddled in bed, and I made it very clear we were not going to make love. Then, evil me, I let him give me the live version of the dick and ball suspension pictures. That was hot--his cock gets so amazingly hard and purple when all tied up. As soon as we untied him, he asked me "what would you like to do now". I requested a backrub, knowing full well he would get all excited rubbing against my back and ass (see buns, below).
Before too long, I felt him thrusting his hard cock into my ass as he rubbed my back. He left a trail of precum.
"You just left precum all over my ass"
"Lick it off"
His tongue left a warm feeling on my ass as he cleaned me. He soon began slapping my ass--this is his obsession, the spank. I don't mind, leaves me warm and tingly and gets him even more excited. Slap slap slap right side, then three on the left, then back to the right. He has a gentle, stingy but not painful slap. His hands are large and soft.
"I'll tell you what. You can cum, but only if you can figure out how to spank me and pleasure yourself simultaneously."
He positioned himself over me, then positioned me to get a better swing at my ass. His swings became erratic, then focused and fast as I felt his other hand stroke the length of his cock greedily. It only took a few minutes for him to cum all over my reddened, tingly ass.
I enjoyed this exchange. A lot. Of course, left me a bit turned on with a passed out pet (he is so useless after orgasm, seriously if there was a fire he'd probably stay in bed).
Tuesday, October 18, 2005Buns
Our favorite new word, coined elsewhere in the kinkernet, is buns (Sharing Dee, perhaps?). This is when I slide my dick in between her butt cheeks, not penetrating, but sliding along in the crack and pointing up to her back. I usually lube my dick first a bit, saliva works wonders. This is a great way for me to enjoy her body, especially her ass which I find extremely enjoyable, without much mess or pussy grinding.
Even Her most lubed, wet, slippery pussy still suffers when I fuck it, touch it, eat it, kiss it, lick it, stroke it, vibrate it, or contact it in any way, really. The results of contact to her pussy are micro-fissures in the vaginal walls, bruising, stretching, scratching, and sometimes soreness for a day or two after intercourse. While this all sounds bad, it's rarely enough to stop Her from fucking. Even when my semen penetrates the micro-fissures and cause a burning sensation, She will press on because the fucking feels soooo good.
On occasion though, She has pulled the plug on vaginal sex for a few days, and that's all well and good as it gives us an opportunity to stimulate each other in other ways. Not that we don't do this already anyway, but sometimes a little push in that direction can really open up a new and delightful experience. Buns was one of these things we discovered works really well for me when She was pregnant.
Yes, pregnancy was also the mother of invention. We tried many new positions back then, as She was uncomfortable in almost any position, so we adjusted and tinkered until we found some She could do without feeling like she was squishing or pinching something. Anyway, buns came out of that, and it is still a fun position for us when She's less than enthusiastic to shove my hard dick into her juicy pussy for whatever reason. Having tried anal penetration on myself plenty, I can hardly disagree. Sometimes, things just don't need to go in there.
So, last night we had sex. She spelled it out before we started, and then held me to it. We kissed, then she got her vibrator out and I caressed her nipples, kissing them gently and licking them, and that was until she poked my eye. I tried to press on, tears pouring out while I squinted and rubbed and shielded it from light. We stopped there for a moment while I recouped, and then She grabbed my cock and started to squeeze it. When it was hard and drippy (only moments later), She said "now we can continue" and so we did. She came (also only moments later) and then offered me buns for being so proficient. I, not being one to turn down her fine ass, took full advantage of the opportunity. I do love buns! Hot jizz on her back and in her ass crack, ah...
Ok, so blogger pulling adult content websites has us a bit nervy (and pervy, but we were pervy before). Also, the current trend toward shutting down "obscene" sites freaks us out a bit. But we persevere, because we firmly believe in what we are doing here--we hope we are reaching out to even one person like us who wants to defeat their shame and fear and embrace themselves.
We are finally having some awesome sex again, which pet will report on shortly.
I am going to be attempting to back up the blog today, so that if we have to move we have all our archives and comments saved. The blog may look funky for a bit, please bear with me!
**Update: Blog has been successfully saved to our hard drive in case of big brother. I also fixed up the template so now Firefox users don't get our little "marriage is love" banner in a funky place. All is well in the Temple. If we disappear, we'll be back somewhere, we promise!
Monday, October 17, 2005Hm
She puts her toe in the water of a "not 24/7 but not only bedroom" D/s relationship with her much more aware and willing spouse.
She is scared he is not as willing/aware as he appears, and fears another rejection.
But the water feels really damn good.
Sunday, October 16, 2005Shopping
In the clothing store the other day, we were walking around and She was taking clothes off of really overloaded racks and then trying to put them back on. I was following behind her slapping her ass every so often, stealing kisses, and holding her hand. At one point she tried to put the shirt she had off the rack back on it, but it fell off and took two others with it. I immediately bent down to pick them up while she stood there and watched. Now, I wasn't switched on into sub mode or anything, nor did I have any plans to be, I just did this and it felt right. No resentment present, no "she's so lazy" or anything, just happiness to be there with her helping her out and being at her immediate disposal and service.
Later she told me that she had to fight bending over and picking them up herself, that it was a conscious decision on her part to stand and watch me pick up her unintentional mess. It became hot when she told me about it, though at the time, it was just standard M.O. for me and for us, really.
So, on the collarme boards there is a discussion about the difference between a submissive guy and a really nice guy. I think our relationship very easily mirrors Akasha's relationship with Silver, where I defer to her for daily activities, and then in bed, it gets extreme. When it comes to planning activities and stuff, she plans them and then tells me about them. I tend to find opportunities, then tell her about them and see if they are okay or something we should do. This is quite submissive, and it's a dynamic we have set up without really even thinking about it. Again, it just feels right.
In terms of the D/s lifestyle, I am beginning to see that me controlling when it is on or off is really a bogus premise from the start that I invented to keep myself safe and in control. Really, in our experience, it's not so much on or off as it is a sliding scale with no off position. It's just extreme to subdued, and the only real choice is to accept that it is who we are (or rather, who I am as she already knows) and embrace it or deny it and walk away... yuck.
On a side note, I took some nice pics of my dick last night for her while she was away at work, and to add some flavor to the photos, I got my balls and dick all tied up with rope. I tried the ball stretching stuff and man, did my dick get hard!!!! I hope to do it again soon with her participation, if it pleases her so!
Friday, October 14, 2005Domestic Violence
LOTS of debate goes into how to recognize abuse within a D/s or BDSM relationship. The road is tricky, paved with the delicacies of "consent". I'm not going to add to the debate here, despite my own strong opinions. However, this month is Domestic Violence awareness month, and this is a cause near and dear to me for many reasons.
So, if you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, please do not stay silent. Silence, as Audre Lorde says, will not protect you. Go here.
Thursday, October 13, 2005Holy Hot Batman
I've updated the links section--I just add links one or both of us find tasty, and all the links I can find of blogs/diarys that are non-professional F/m, cause I want to spread the love.
The newest find is via virgin-slut (and thanks to her):
Wednesday, October 12, 2005Sex Last Night
Last night, after a short discussion on trust, we ended up in bed, tired and put off. So we chit chat a little while longer, and then we decided to have some sex. To my surprise and delight, she took some command (she has been rather passive lately, to protect herself, of course). Grabbing my dick and balls, pulling them, tickling them, and following up by pinning my hands down so I couldn't touch them myself. Then she put my hands and mouth to better work on her, while she nibbled my nipples and gave me hickeys on my chest.
After that, she grabbed me around the jawbone as you grab someone whose head you wished to steady, and kissed me vigorously. She pulled my free hand down into her pussy, which was already pretty wet, and had me fingering her G spot while keeping me on my back in bed. She would push my dick away whenever I tried to grind it on her, until she wanted me to grind it on her. I rubbed the outside of her clit with my mushroom tip, and she would wipe off the pre-cum from it every so often and feed it to me, then moan with pleasure.
I pulled my fingers out of her and started rubbing her clit, and she took my other hand and placed it on her nipple. I squeezed and rubbed with both hands until she came, swearing all kinds of nasty fates to befall me should I happen to stop too soon (which almost never happens, but I think she was pretty serious anyway). She told me then to put on a condom and fuck her, and cum in 3 seconds. It took me closer to 15 seconds, probably because of the condom, both the application time and the desensitization at fault, but I think the point was there. We fell asleep in each others arms, happy and satisfied.
I want to control your sexual pleasure.
I want you to kneel before me with your collar in hand, begging to submit.
I want you to say thank you and mean it when you get thwacked.
I want to see the look of totality in your eyes, totally owned by another and in bliss.
I want you to have your own mind, speak it freely, and receive what you need/want in life.
I want your trust, your knowledge that I will fufill your needs/wants, as long as you are mine.
I want you at my feet in the evenings, just there to be with me.
I want you to be wholly you, in all ways and with all your "faults".
I want your submission to be fluid, not bound by the bedroom but not a total exchange, either.
I want us to find what works for us, what pleases and fufills both of us.
I want, quite simply, it all.
Sunday, October 09, 2005Nickel Slots
In my own quest to find myself, I have found that focusing on the smaller issues first may be the way to go for me. I can comprehend grand, sweeping theories logically, but the practical applications thereof leave me floundering about, like chem labs.
When my wife says "do you trust me?" I say "Of course I trust you." But when my wife says "I need you to look for the lids for the tupperware for me." I say "Why?" In my mind at the time, this has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with me looking out for my own, a behavior I picked up long ago. I was alone for a very long time and I learned, time and time again, that everyone is in it for themselves, no matter what "it" is.
Driving anywhere, I constantly struggle with not letting people cut me off, getting into the fast lane of traffic, and getting really, really mad at people who do stupid things while driving, illegal or even just rude. I have to say I was a very angry defensive and slightly offensive driver. My college was a total business, selling out students left and right. In their opinion, tuition was just another source of income, fuck the students once the checks clear.
I grew up incredibly sheltered and protected. Some people would say that's a good thing, but really, it just meant I was putting off the rude awakening that the real world was storing up for me, karma and all that. It hit hard too, and every day since then I see a reminder of that self-interest daily. I'm surrounded at work by people who bitch that their tax dollars are supporting homeless and displaced hurricane victims. What the fuck? How selfish are they?
So back to me, I find myself looking out for numero uno, which means instituting protective measures at all times and having some seriously high walls and boundaries. I also am very good at reading people's true intentions behind their statements, and I've found that people never talk to me unless they want something. Few people are nice enough to say that though upon entering into conversation with me.
But one place I don't have to worry about having my advantage taken is at home with my wife. She is very good at being assertive, not being passive agressive, and she is perfectly capable and intelligent enough to accomplish just about anything, so when she asks me to do something, I don't have to wonder if it's just because she's being lazy, or wants to prove a point, or wants to use me. The problem is my reaction, I still don't believe her, and that's where the trust issues lie.
It is sooooooo hard for me to hear her ask me to look for tupperware lids without immediately thinking "she's just lazy and doesn't want to do it." and "she is always telling me how I put the tupperware away wrong and this is my punishment" and "She is just like my mom, nothing is ever perfect enough and I'm never good enough." and "I'm already doing something else right now, I can't do it and she can see that I can't do it and yet she still wants me to do it right this second because she is an abusive slave driving bitch." In reality, none of this is true. She wanted me to do it because I am way taller than her and the tupperware is on a high shelf and I can see it better, and she didn't need me to drop everything and do it right then, but when I was done in the near future.
My wife is also very good at extracting the meaning from people's words, I mean, that's her real life job, and she has ample training to do so. We are also so very close and think so very alike that I can't hide anything from her. I've been able to pull of two surprises (read: times I had to use white lies to prevent her from knowing I was planning a surprise) in the three years we've been together, and I can't honestly say she doesn't already know what is in her neatly wrapped presents from me on holidays. So yeah, I'm an open book to her, and she has all my best and worst pages dog-eared.
So when I gave my reponse of "Why?" (as she said before, ONE word can send her bells and sirens off), she immediately knew that I was thinking all that stuff above and that I have to get past that initial reaction with her and really trust that she had no malicious intent when she asked. Until I can control my own defensive, societally-learned, self-protective reactions around her, I can't avoid hurting her. She can't be truly open to me and be herself if I'm always throwing back punches when I think she's throwing them at me but she's really not.
So I came up the term nickel slots. Nickel slots are where I learn how to play a slot machine, and then I move up into the quarter and dollar slots. (I don't gamble so forgive my ignorance on this if the slot machines don't actually go in quarter and dollar increments). Now that I think about it, poker or blackjack might be a better allusion, as all slots are chance driven but card games have some element of learned skill. But I digress... Anyway, whenever I forget to give her the benefit of the doubt, or not trust her wholy the first time she says something, or just act in a way unbecoming of me, she clues me in by saying "nickel slots" and I immediately stop and think about what I'm saying and doing.
I didn't actually ask her to do this, she just kind of picked it up and it's working pretty well, like having a watch alarm that beeps whenever my walls go up. As I work through my nickel slot issues, I can see myself becoming more ready to tackle the quarter slots. I will have some practical experience and applications of the trust ideas and I'll be able to cut through my own bullshit as I learn and grow more. I think the reason I rarely get into subspace is because I'm always caught up in these nickel slot issues, which just make me angry and defensive, when they should be triggering my happy vibes.
So here I am, working through my issues. One thing I have going for me is a fast turnaround time. I can fuck up my trust of her and then admit my fuck-up of trust to her soon after, rather than dragging it out into a fight that goes on and on until I'm grasping at straws to maintain my stance. It's not that she's always right, but a good 99.3% of the time she is.
I really think she's right, I am a better sub when I'm not trying to be one, and I believe that once I get through my issues, I'll be a great sub without trying, because I will just be one, and I will trust her wholy, and she will be her whole, vulernable, adorable, sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny, Domme self with me.
I'm amazed at how sleep affects your immune system--or lack of sleep. We've been sick this weekend, which marks my sixth bout with illness in the last six months, not including all the recovering from childbirth. Bleah.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005Walls
I had a teacher once explain dissociative identity disorder (basically multiple personalities) as a series of walls between parts of a person. We all have them, different roles and selves, but those with D.I.D. have really high walls. When I was healing from, well everything before three years ago, I spent a lot of time with "the girls in my head". I had many different selves that I worked my ass off to unite. I didn't have multiple personalities, thank goodness, or dissociation, but I most certainly compartmentalized myself. Now, I live my life with one simple goal--authentic wholeness.
Fuck yeah I've got walls. I've got emotional protections so powerful and deep it can take ONE simple word or action to slam them into place. I can feel myself fragment easily, and I can feel the more vulnerable parts of me cower and disappear behind the strong girl.
This marriage, and especially working out Dominance and submission, has pushed every button and set off every alarm I've ever had. I've withdrawn over and over. I stop being intimate, I stop making love, I stop talking beyond pleasantries, I stop meeting my goal. I become the other, the silent strong safe girl who doesn't get hurt by men. She's excellent, smart and sharp, but lonely as hell.
I find it kind of weird to reveal that my Domme is not the strong part of me. Well, it is and it isn't. The true Domme in me is wholly open. In fact, I'm not a true Domme unless I'm meeting my goal, being wholly and entirely ME. I love this feeling so much, and it is terrifyingly vulnerable. I've discovered my true self within this process, and the Domme is a part of that.
At this moment in time, given my husband's own *stuff*, I am struggling to stay open, to meet my goal, to not protect myself and withdraw. Struggling hard. I don't know how to be sexual with him right now, because it means I Domme. On some level, to be myself, that is there.
Bah. I'm so wordy. Poor blog reader, you were probably looking for porn and found drama. Well, we committed to sharing our journey, and this is a part of that. Sorry! I hope the porn will appear again soon, cause I'm as horny as you are!!
Monday, October 03, 2005My Husband
I want to introduce my husband, not my pet.
My husband makes and brings me coffee each morning and evening. This sounds simple, but is compounded by the fact that I drink blended, iced mochas that he created in imitation of that big coffee chain. He makes them, gets upset when I DON'T ask for one, states he is proud I drink his coffee daily. His are better!
My husband asks me countless times a day if I need anything, anything at all. Often, he is put out if I respond with a "no, thanks babe".
My husband does the dishes each morning and evening, to my great appreciation.
My husband bathes the kids, puts them to bed, reads them stories, and helps them with their homework and other things. He gets on the floor and plays with the baby.
My husband loves to cook dinner, though loving something and being good at it are different ;).
My husband works a full time job, and I don't (ok, I do work for pay regularly, and I do the mom/domestic goddess thing, so it's not all bonbons and soaps lol).
My husband NEVER fails to tell me I look beautiful, to notice when I put time into my appearance, to tell me I'm sexy, or to otherwise be an awesome sweet man to me.
I quit talking about my husband to my vanilla girlfriends because they get truly angry and jealous of me. Treat me like I'm at fault for their harder lives.
I could go on for days...
I've been hurting over all this "am I a sub, am I not a sub" he's going through. I have no doubts I'm a Domme, so helping him through this time is hard for me. I feel...at risk, open and exposed like a turtle on her back. I know my safe zone is to withdraw into myself. Escape so I don't get hurt, remove intimacy and connection. I hate to do that these days, though, because I loose out on my time with my husband.
If our sex life is a constant, changing thing, so be it. It is where we are most vulnerable, most intimate, most connected and most close. We should be getting that right, and the amount of work is worth it.