Tuesday, October 04, 2005Walls
I had a teacher once explain dissociative identity disorder (basically multiple personalities) as a series of walls between parts of a person. We all have them, different roles and selves, but those with D.I.D. have really high walls. When I was healing from, well everything before three years ago, I spent a lot of time with "the girls in my head". I had many different selves that I worked my ass off to unite. I didn't have multiple personalities, thank goodness, or dissociation, but I most certainly compartmentalized myself. Now, I live my life with one simple goal--authentic wholeness.
Fuck yeah I've got walls. I've got emotional protections so powerful and deep it can take ONE simple word or action to slam them into place. I can feel myself fragment easily, and I can feel the more vulnerable parts of me cower and disappear behind the strong girl.
This marriage, and especially working out Dominance and submission, has pushed every button and set off every alarm I've ever had. I've withdrawn over and over. I stop being intimate, I stop making love, I stop talking beyond pleasantries, I stop meeting my goal. I become the other, the silent strong safe girl who doesn't get hurt by men. She's excellent, smart and sharp, but lonely as hell.
I find it kind of weird to reveal that my Domme is not the strong part of me. Well, it is and it isn't. The true Domme in me is wholly open. In fact, I'm not a true Domme unless I'm meeting my goal, being wholly and entirely ME. I love this feeling so much, and it is terrifyingly vulnerable. I've discovered my true self within this process, and the Domme is a part of that.
At this moment in time, given my husband's own *stuff*, I am struggling to stay open, to meet my goal, to not protect myself and withdraw. Struggling hard. I don't know how to be sexual with him right now, because it means I Domme. On some level, to be myself, that is there.
Bah. I'm so wordy. Poor blog reader, you were probably looking for porn and found drama. Well, we committed to sharing our journey, and this is a part of that. Sorry! I hope the porn will appear again soon, cause I'm as horny as you are!!