Wednesday, July 20, 2005When is a statement more than just a statement?
For a long time, I never knew what a true statement was; all I knew was passive aggression. Example: "Gee, it sure is cold in here." Meaning: "I'm cold, get me a jacket, turn up the heat, make me some hot tea, and do this all by reading my mind or I'll withold something you want from you."
To this day, I still can't hear anyone say anything without trying to decipher the hidden meaning. "The car is running low on gas" or "I'm hungry" or "We have an idiot for a president" are all statements that motivate me to action, or worse. After years of being everyone's secret bitch, I grew tired of it. Who would want to live for everyone else all the time? Well, when you're me, you do, as it is your role growing up to please everyone.
So, where does that lead me? I am lead into the fuck you zone. Sure, you can talk to me, but I'm not going to be taken advantage of by you. I lived like that for a few years, never doing anything I didn't want to, never answering to anyone. I burned some bridges doing that, but I felt good, at least I wasn't everyone's bitch anymore.
Then, I decided that living only for myself was probably not the best thing, since I was lonely. I eventually entered into my current relationship, but now I had some emotional pre-conditioning to deprogram, which I'm still doing. It is a delicate situation, mine, that goes like this:
1. Don't let people take advantage of me but still be caring and giving.
2. Be thoughtful without trying to mind read.
3. Please other people but don't be their bitch, and don't get pissy while trying to please other people.
and so on.
Anyway, you can see some of the resulting dilemnas. It was really hard for me to accept being a sub while holding on to all that. It took about three years to even try it, without the potential of me getting pissy and feel taken-advantage-of. Now, subbing doesn't bring out my internal issues, but life does, and it always sucks. I want to be healthy, to be able to smile and nod when a statement is made without feeling both motivated to action and resentful. I just keep on plugging away at it, and maybe in the next 50 years I'll sort it all out.