Monday, July 11, 2005Thoughts on Punishment
Post disclaimer: Hey, to each their own. I totally respect each person's sexual proclivities (except kiddie stuff). If you like to do stuff I don't, good on you! Have fun and write about it 'cause it's hot. Each of us is unique, that is what I love about humanity after all. No judgments over here!
We're not 24/7. We have discussed it several times and decided it won't work for us. Not that I'm saying I don't see the benefits--because I'm really starting to (never thought I'd say that). I have lived in a relationship about control before, and I'd rather not duplicate it. I want peace in my home and love in my life and I don't want control. The control thing is sexual in nature only. Not only that, but we are both not into pain as pleasure.
It is a line I like to walk, myself. Bite too hard, yes. Bite way too hard so I bruise/bleed/get hurt, no thanks. The sexy is in walking the line for me, not the giving or receiving of pain. I don't want to hurt my husband, for anything in the world. I'm not the kind who craves the sight of my husband's body in pain or torment. I am not interested in smacking him or whipping him or anything like that. That does not get me off, for whatever reason. I want to see him in agony from being denied pleasure--see him want it, need it but unable to get it. I don't want him to be in agony from anything I've done to him. This is a personal decision. I realize this makes me a minority here in D/s land, but that's ok. I'm used to being on the fringe :)
The other thing about punishment is this: where does the Mistress end and the mommy begin? I'm getting dangerously close when I use the same words with my husband as my oldest child, and I'm disturbed by it. I don't have a mommy/son fetish, I have a control/top/in charge fetish. I don't want to tell him to clean his room or do his chores, I have enough of that.
That all being said--um, he is being weird, and I think I need to be more Dommely. In fact, we've discussed it and agreed that this is so. He wants it, wants more domination and wants to be put in his place. I want this, too. The thing is, when I try and he doesn't "respond" the way I would like, i.e. submission, I get pissy. Sigh, the pissy Domme, how unattractive!!
I think I want to try some stuff to see if it will work for us. I want to set up some basic "rules of play" in advance so he knows what I expect. This way, when it is "on" as we like to say, I know he knows what to do and is not disobeying out of confusion. Here's some basic ones:
1. When we decide it is "on", it is "on", no in and out of play. We may not be actively having sex, but the roles are ironclad. Stepping out of role means we stop playing all together for that time.
2. When you are asked/told to do something, you do it until I say to stop. You may request to stop.
3. When making requests at any time, kneel at my feet. If this will interrupt sex (example if pussy worship is occurring and you want to put a finger inside me) you may make said request without kneeling. When in doubt, kneel.
4. You should always say thank you, Mistress, when I do things you like. This includes ass fucking, letting you lick my asshole, etc. If you like everything--thank you is never a bad thing to say ;)
5. If I tell you to get into position, this means face down ass up and naked on the bed.
Those are the basics. I don't want to be a rule monger, but I want things to work a certain way. Over ruling is annoying, but getting pissy is even more annoying, no?
I really feel we need some sort of ritual to get into role. Not being 24/7 carries with it the burden of being equal most of the time and not equal some of the time. I have yet to collar my pet because I really, really do not want to move to quickly. I haven't tied him or used restraints of any kind besides a simple instruction not to move. How do you get into role, D/s folks? Any thoughts? Even if you are 24/7, I imagine there are more "on" times and more "off" kind of times--does anyone have any suggestions as to getting back into role? Please feel free to just let us know what you do, even if we won't do it we get ideas from everywhere.
Thanks to all for the advice and wisdom in your blogs, as always! And for those of you nice enough to say so--we really are proud to be helping others out there navigate their way as well.