Tuesday, July 26, 2005Musings
Sometimes I think to myself that I "protest too much" about some of this stuff. I mean, here I am a few posts back ranting about my lack of desire to cause pain in my loved one, and now here we are hitting each other on the rear with abandon. Granted, it isn't very painful, but the idea is there.
Here's the laid to bare honest truth about me:
I hold back, even still, some of my desires. He's been pretty clear about things he's not interested in. And I think I might be interested in some of those things. But the thing is, I'm ok with having interests that aren't fufilled in real life.
I told him about my Domme leanings early in our relationship. However, he was quite inexperienced all around when we met (not anymore mwahahahahahaha). So, we progressed slowly and vanilla-y through sexual encounters. It was fun, like being in high school again. He was very sure that he was not interested in D/s or kink. HA. So, I said fine and as I've blogged before I put my Domme in a closet to wait. See, the thing is that I love my husband very very much, and I'm much less committed to D/s than I am to him. It is a big part of me, but he is my heart.
The thing I've taken away from this experience is patience. Something I've never been very good at. He needs to come to his sexuality in his own time. I'm glad he has the space to explore with me--and I him, since much of my desire has been fantasy until now. I'm amazed at just how far he wants to go, really, and pleased. It's just like me to want more, more, more, and I'm really trying to stay in this moment, this period of new-ness and discovery that is so exhilerating and exciting.
Maybe there will be more of my desires in the future, but for now, my goal for us is to get us comfortable where we are now. I want him to drop into subspace more easily, to let go a little more and to really be mine. I want to tie him up, tie him down, smack him around and fuck him like crazy.
I want the baby to figure out how to sleep all through the night so I'm not so god damn exhausted!!!