Saturday, June 14, 2008A long week of buildup to two intense days
This week we decided we would have a play session on Friday night. We set up out-of-house babysitting and everything was looking fine when we had unforeseen issues with a friend of ours being alone and terribly ill. Long story short, we picked up our kids from babysitting after some conversation over dinner and coffee, and went home.
When we got there and got settled, my mistress confessed to me that she didn't feel like she could play. We had tried some of it before and eventually abandoned ship since our inexperience led to more problems than solutions. Check out our archives, we have gone back and forth on different issues, many lifestyle related, many sex related.
We believe we have the lifestyle part worked out. I am totally submissive to her and loving it, and as I grow confident in myself and my role and my place as her willing servant, she too grows confident and we noticed we barely have any conflicts anymore. It took a long time to work out. My lady told me she read another blog/post/something that called the first few years of a d/s relationship "The Hell Years." We definitely agree with that, working out all the little details of life with another person in a lifestyle where we have few to no role models is hard enough, and adding d/s in the mix makes it even more difficult.
Mixed in with that is her sadist side and my masochist side. She is far more comfortable with the sadist in her than in accepting the masochist in me. I am to blame for that, I was a whiny bitch about a lot of it and I didn't talk to her much about it. That breakdown in communication caused a lot of problems with it, and ultimately led to her feeling uncertain about my wishes to be beaten by her. Regardless of my words, my actions and lapses and techniques to keep her locked out of my mental processes involved in understanding a beating / play session did more damage than words could ever hope to repair.
The worst night of it all was when we lay, watching TV in bed and my back was exposed. She sat next to me and then in her fun, sadistic way, slapped it down on me. I screamed loud enough to wake the neighbors (and more importantly, the kids, which is a big no-no) and she shut down that night. We haven't played seriously since then. We have dragged our gear on vacations to let it sit packed in the corner of the room the whole time. We have opened the cabinet more than once only to close it up again.
Last night, my mistress, after a long conversation where I assured her that I am craving her physical nature, her beatings and pain and all she has to give; she went off to sleep only to wake up extra early, troubled by the whole situation. She felt she wanted to put that part of her away forever than risk hurting me and us. She told me that if she couldn't tell if I was a real masochist or just trying to make her happy, she didn't want to do it. I asked her what she needed to tell if I was; what would start the ball rolling on regaining her trust and embracing this part of our lives.
She said she wanted to beat me on the ass with the TV remote that halted our play before and I had to masturbate to climax while she did it. Not one to let such an opportunity for fun and a chance to start regaining her trust, I leaped to my knees and started stroking my cock with my hand. She played very briefly with my balls before starting to beat my ass like crazy with the remote. It took under a minute for me to reach climax, even after having orgasmed 4 times in the last 2 days.
I look forward eagerly to our next encounter and I am aware of my shortcomings last time around, so I should be able to heal those old wounds and I will be sure to follow our number 1 rule of d/s life - communicate! If you take nothing else away from this blog, take that. Communication between partners cannot be broken or stopped or things go to shit. 9/10 Of our recent problems are communication related.