Sunday, January 27, 2008Domme not Mom
I want to talk about the difference between dominating someone and parenting them. The difference is subtle, slight and in some cases I've read basically non-existent.
There are some who thrive on parenting another adult, but I'm not one. I am not turned on or attracted to a person who cannot thrive on their own. I don't want to be depended upon for anything, any more than I want to depend on anyone for anything. Of course, once you join your life with someone (or someone-s), you do become dependent, or rather at the very least symbiotic in your dealings. It is the way life goes.
That said, if you watched us from the outside, as I'm sure many of our RL friends and family do, we seem to be that couple. The one where the wife tells her husband what to wear and how to act and who to be without hesitation. I look, on the outside, like a mom to him and that is just ugly. I know we get judged for that, but eh, fuck 'em.
The difference between how we are perceived and how we truly are is that I don't tell him those things "for his own good" or "because he can be a better man if." Pet is a wonderful man, was the second we met and will be whether I'm around or not. The heart of our arrangement is even more selfish. I tell him what to do because it pleases me, and he does what I say because it pleases him to please me.
A true symbiosis, if an unusual one.
It so happens that it pleases me that pet is happy, healthy and well cared for. It pleases me that he is sweet and romantic and focused on me which means a lot of his needs must be met. It might not have meant that, and we might have a very different looking life, but as long as it is consensual, that is how we want to live. Both of us.
When I make him eat broccoli, it is with a very different flavor than when I make a child eat broccoli. The kid needs to learn good eating habits. Pet needs to stick around so I can spend more time with him. I'm not trying to better pet, my actions are purely selfish here. When I make sure pet has his needs met, it is so that he can be a better submissive. Symbiosis.
I don't have the energy or desire to parent one more individual in the world, I have enough on my plate. I work very hard to distinguish the two, because if I feel too momish too often, I get depressed and overwhelmed. I battle the feelings of selfish entitlement that I get when I domme, because it feels wrong. It is societally unacceptable to feel and think the way I often do. But I've always felt that way, ever since I can remember. It is hard to have a nature that is contrary to what you were taught was "right." But what I try to remember is, as long as the folks around me consent, even revel in what I am, then there isn't anything wrong but judgment from outsiders. Consent makes all the difference, and is the difference between parenting a child who cannot consent and dominating an adult who can.