Wednesday, November 30, 2005On Dominance
I've been thinking a lot about my dominance, largely in its absence lately. Between my writing groups, pet's weekly meetings after work, our kids, the holiday and the EVIL STOMACH/COLD COMBO VIRUS OF DEATH that hit us this past week, you could say our D/s activity has fallen to the wayside (everyone tells you how great kids are, and they are, but no one mentions the germ factory thing).
Result? Fussing, irritability, miscommunication, and all around malaise. On both our parts. Interesting, says the analytical part of my brain.
Interesting to me that dominance and submission are the first things to go when we're stressed because they're difficult to maintain, but really are missed. Also interesting to me is just how challenged I am to be dominant. I know it's not all wine and roses, and I'm amazed at how much of a challenge it is to maintain at times, especially stressful times. I have no trouble accepting submission, but asserting dominance is tough when I'm not sure what kind of a response I'll get.
In an attempt to define the indefinable, I think we've arrived at the conclusion that we are really a female-led couple. Some out there find that label goofy at best, insulting at worst, but it seems to fit us well. I tend to make decisions, pet tends to be comfortable with me in that role.
I'm not a Master in that I don't particularly care to monitor his daily activity, his food intake, his clothing, etc. I don't really want control of those things, or him over all in that way. Not my kink or my personality. This of course does not count sex, because controlling that IS my kink, all the way.
Conversely, there are things I have come to expect, largely that he will run any and all "us" decisions by me and I usually make the final call--with his blessing. Things as simple as where to eat out and as complex as planning the holiday schedule with all the kids and families and exes and such. He feels much more at ease with me making these calls, and I don't mind on the whole
When I get sick or overstressed and unable to make decisions for us, weird things happen in our life. We kind of break down, and we stop operating at full efficiency. Pet gets very confused without me at the helm, and he's a capable intelligent man who was independent for many years before me. He is, at heart, truly submissive I think, and seems to function better in that role. We just work better this way, and acknowledging it has been hard but positive for us.
The thing is, I don't mind most of the time, but I'm surprised at the pressure when I do become stressed/unwell. I feel really marred down by responsibility all of a sudden--the double edged sword of dominance. I have to work on taking responsibility when I don't want to, just as I expect pet to work on being submissive even when it rubs him the wrong way. We'll hit our stride eventually--all this labeling is really only a guideline for us anyhow--to find how we work best in the world--all healthy relationships require flexibility after all.
I do know one thing for sure. Pet has got a colossal ass beating coming. Why? Cause I feel like it *weg*