Friday, December 15, 2006Hm
I've run out of new things to say here.
I'm not ready to kill the blog, I've found a lot of benefit from it. I worry I've become too repetitive in recent months to be worth much to others.
I struggle. I struggle with enacting the firm hand we both want for our relationship and our bedroom. I find myself shutting down even when the opportunity presents itself--which it doesn't often, as you all know. I know this is fear, I know exactly what is causing the problem, yet I'm at the wall. I have no idea how to change this internal shut down process.
I've employed pet's help--he's been assigned to be more forward, for a while, about sexual activities, rather than sitting back and letting me decide.
No, that's not right.
I've asked him to wait for me in bed, spanking tools laid out, naked. I've asked him to get out the restraints and ask me to use them. I've asked him to present himself for whatever play we've BOTH wanted but I've been unable or unwilling (though, not consciously), to enact myself.
I realize this is a stepping back of power exchange. I don't particularly like it, even. But I think it is what will get me over that wall, or through it, and into the kind of Domme I dream of being. I'm not really a big fan of this idea, but I've gotten help with it and this is what was recommended. I'll try anything once, I'm kinky after all.
Anyhow, for now we're not going anywhere. I don't want to shut down anything yet. I just hope this doesn't get to be one of those blogs where we talk a lot and say nothing new.