I've been trying to post for two days and Blogger has thwarted my efforts every time. Very irritating.
Anyway, the trip was good, but served to remind me just how much time we miss out on daily. Pet wore his collar for much of the trip (though not out--we'll work on that ;). I had a lovely time.
Coming home with the obligations of real life can be so frustrating!
Pet has requested more authority from me. I believe I've written before about the inherent conflict of being a domme in love. I absolutely adore pet, and some part of me remains reserved about taking full control--after all, I don't want to hurt him or betray him. I don't want him to feel miserable in our life together, after all. Yet at the same time, he tells me he wants a heavier hand, wants to be guided and instructed.
It is my nature to be dominant, but it is also my nature to be kind, empathetic and loving. Especially with pet. Not that I can't be all of them, but I've found there are times when I really have to choose--to do the dominant thing OR do the nice thing.
Case in point--pet gives me pedicures around once a week. It is a lovely ritual we both enjoy, an open expression of D/s. Two nights ago he short changed me--he was tired and cranky and did a sort of "half ass" job then collapsed into bed.
The domme in me felt slighted. But the nice me understood his fatigue--the man works very hard and deserves every moment of rest he gets.
A tough situation. I chose nice. After a discussion later, we think I probably should choose domme more often. So that is my new goal. We'll see how I do.
I rarely like to write comments that say how I would do handle situiations, but I relate so closely to this post I cannot help but give my humble opinion.
ReplyDeleteI was the same way with chance, a few months ago it changed for us. He was also asking me to take more control, I struggled with the Nice me, the woman that loved him.
I might of handled that same situiation just like you did, not anymore. Now I say that because he started the pedicure it was your job to demand nothing but a full effort from him. If he is tired and cannot give you the job you expect from him - he had the opportinity to discuss that before he began.
He could of told you that he was tired and unable to give you the pedicure you deserve, that then gave you the opportunity to choose to demand the pedicure (of the quality you are use to from him) or make a counter offer - tomorrow night you will give me a bath and a pedicure then for instance.
In the end I do not think we do ourselves or our submissives any favours by letting them away with anything. He started the pedicure - you need to demand a great job from him, he needs that from you as his Dominant.
You are not being as Nice as you think you are when you let him away with a half assed job, he looks to you for strenght. Demand a proper job, do not let him away with anything less ... its more fun for you both in the end ;).
Destiny
>>In the end I do not think we do ourselves or our submissives any favours by letting them away with anything. He started the pedicure - you need to demand a great job from him, he needs that from you as his Dominant.
ReplyDeleteDestiny, you hit the nail on the head.
He's been trying to tell me this for months, I think. But nice me has a hard time with it.
Who knew it would be so hard to get a frigging pedicure?! Okay, so I know there are BDSM manuals galore, but where is the book about D/s in a loving relationship--this shit is not so easily defined as "don't let the tails of the flogger wrap". Meh.
Candace--In this case, I think I made the wrong choice. But of course each situation and couple is different.
This morning I was thinking about how much I'd like to ask Alexandra to take more control when she is back. But I was confused about what would be realistic for us because I'm under enormous strains and expect to be so for some time to come. I'd be a fool to ask for (offer) more than I'm currently able to handle.
ReplyDeleteWould've requiring that he correct the pedicure properly the very next day worked on any level? And some sort of chastisement - whatever works best between the two of you?
richard--Yes, I think that would have worked (correcting pedicure next day). In my own head, I freaked out a little, did not handle it well.
ReplyDeleteI believe Destiny was also right when she said he should have told me AHEAD of time that he was too tired to do the pedicure correctly. Then I could proceed, and he (holding up his end), would have accepted my choice. Then I have an aware choice--he's tired, I know it, I pick. I should have handled it right away by a simple "you'll do this better tomorrow." I should have been more...dominant.
Does that help?
Thoughtful answers to a difficult question, and one I can (sort-of) relate to. Being waaaaayyyy behind on the experience and "walking the walk" spectrum.
ReplyDeleteBack in pre-history, when my beloved and I were practicing at femdom, she said "I can't do this, I'm too nice." And nice and caring and nurturing she is. It's one of the things that will shape the eventual relationship we craft. So it's inspiring to read about dominant women who care about what's going on for their partners and themselves, and acknowledge that it's not easy, and there aren't cut and dried answers.
Thank you.
After thinking about this some there may be something like "submissive's pride" and it may even be like tradtional male performance anxiety. We don't want to admit that we are't up to it.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is a bit stupid of us because we aren't doing the woman we worship a favor. Especially when as with you and Alexandra they seek to walk that fine line that is caring and taking the power we claim to want to give to them.
So I wrote Alexandra tonight asking her to take a firmer hand with me. Really I know she will always accept a real inability gracefully. I need some of her strength to let me admit my own weakness.
I'm with Destiny on this one. I've actually been there, in Her's husband's situation, and explained that time and our joint fatigue mitigated a manicure or pedicure.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I agree that once he began the pedicure, he was obligated to do the job to standard, no excuses.
Dear Her,
ReplyDeleteMsBlythe and I love your site and always relate closely with your posts, never more so than with this one.
We have been struggling with the very same issure for several months, I would like to agree with Destiny's and your revised view that you should choose to be Domme rather than "nice" more of the time, I know this is what I wish for from Blythe. The problem is: why should you adjust what you do to suit Him? when does this become topping from below? Blythe says she is so happy these days with the attention and the sex she gets that I should take submissive pleasure in knowing that, rather than pushing her to be more Dominant. I can see her point...but still wish that I felt more controlled more of the time.
Blythe's
How very true. I at times struggle between the Woman in lovewith My husband and the Domina who owns a slave. Sometimes it is very difficult to find a happy medium.
ReplyDeleteWith that being said, I do tend to require My husband to complete his daily/weekly chores whther he is tired or not. he knew what he was getting into before he ever signed My contract.
I want to also state that there are times I am not in a "Dommie" mood and I just want companionship and a good snuggle.
No matter what mood I am in, it is understood by both My husband and I, that I own him and that his body is Mine to with, as I want to.
Thank Y/you both for writing such a great blog!
Aradia