I'm going to speak abstractly, at least part of the time, in this post. In no way does this make me an expert on D/s, rather I'm simply building from my experience and making it less personal. There you go.
Co-dependency is a buzz word that makes people who grew up in the 80s and 90s cringe. Overused, abused and misunderstood, there was a time when everyone was co-dependent.
The fact is, it is a label for a set of behaviors and feelings that I think get mixed up with submission and service, and the resulting mix can be damaging to a couple. People who act in a co-dependent manner believe they are being self-less, but act in ways that are quite selfish.
I've seen this phenomenon play out so many times. I want x, but I feel bad asking for x because I'm supposed to be submissive. But I still want x. So I'll probably do one of two things:
1. Not get x and resent it, secretly, feel guilty about resenting it, and present that to my dominant as acting really weird without explanation.
or
2. Demand x after some period of self denial, as though my dominant should have known all along I wanted it.
well and there's this one
3. Manipulate my dominant into doing x, using passive-aggression or other covert tactics.
That last one is my least favorite, personally, and most likely to push me away from my submissive.
None of these are particularly useful to a relationship. Every person has needs and wants, and every person deserves to get what is needed/wanted. As a dominant, I find myself deeply frustrated when I don't know what my sub needs/wants, and am put in a position to guess, or worse, to assume he wants nothing, thereby falling victim to one of the three things above.
I refuse to guess. I refuse to be manipulated, and I refuse to deal with a bratty bottom who is needing something but unwilling to say what. In the end, his withholding of this information hurts us worse than if he just *told me*.
This is a popular relationship dynamic, btw, not just D/s. But subs have the added difficulty of guilt. I'm the submissive one, it doesn't matter what I want. But that isn't true--it does matter what the submissive wants, both to the submissive him(her) self and the dominant.
So it isn't, in my house, "she comes first". It is, rather, "what can I do to make her life easier today?" That includes telling me each and everything I need to know to make good decisions for us. My sub might not always get what he wants (as if I do, lol), but he always gets what he needs, without having to play games or get hurt.
Um, unless he wants to play games and get hurt. Then I usually oblige.
Very well said.
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ReplyDeleteNice post. I agree with your sentiments about the behavior.
However, would, and do, you not consider a relationship which has such behaviors to be, well, in trouble, and very shallow?
I don't think I'd bother any longer with a relationship in which I had to play games to be fulfilled. That's part of why a FemDom relationship is so attractive to me.
The potential for honest, clear communication is better, imo, than in a vanilla one. Something about being open to alternative activities and behaviors makes ordinary relationship communications easier.
As to who comes first, I sort of see it as a nested phenomenon. Within my limits of availability, which are partly inclusive of my own needs, she comes first. And since I know what she likes and needs, it is to make her life more pleasing, too.
-saratoga
The very beginning of my D/s blog was to write little sketches. By doing story outlines I was able to present desires without feeling demanding.
ReplyDeleteOf course not everything fits into a public blog. While she's away if certain images and thoughts have been repeatedly passing through my mind I send her email reports.
Best wishes for happiness.
i had to learn this over time. i was one of those passive/agressive types. Plus i was always worried that if i said what i wanted, it would be viewed as topping from the bottom.
ReplyDeletei am hoping that now that i have identified this aspect of my personality, that i can change it.
Beautifully put and very insightful. My, you have grown! It's a delight to come & visit and watch the steady progress you have made, despite your occasional bouts of self-doubt.
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Sky
Excellent post. Honest communication is tough for every relationship category including (as you pointed out) the D/s relationship. We each hold a portion of responsibility for how honest our communication really is. As a Domme, I have to create an environment in which he feels safe and welcome to tell me what he wants and needs. As a submissive, he has to examine his motives, desires, actions, etc to make certain he is not falling into one of the traps you outlined. He not only has to be honest with me but he must be honest with himself.
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