Friday, December 29, 2006Somewhat back!
As She mentioned in a previous post, I got my ass kicked by a sinus infection. I have since been on an antibiotic and gotten steadily better, though I still have a nasty cough and my energy level is not what it was pre-illness yet. That aside, I'm back to post again.
The holidays were crazy, tons of people and obligations and it was just a big ordeal. Every night we tried to regroup a little and get cuddly with each other, which helped out. I had one little breakdown (I'm not sure what to call it, but it's an instance where something goes awry and I just can't deal and get weird about it, usually over something insignificant).
I was thinking today a little about how much I love my lady. I sometimes act contrary and snarky, but in reality, my desires to be with her and serve her wholly are rooted in me. I like to look at it from an outsider perspective for comparison to where I try to be with her.
Earlier in my life I dreamed about kissing the feet of my future partner, and waiting on them, and just loving them. I thought it was just a sign of desperation and that if any girl was kind enough to take me in, I would probably serve them all the time to keep them around (I didn't have good self esteem back then, obviously).
Now I am partnered up with the best woman in the world, and have been for several years, and yet those feelings of wanting to kiss her feet and serve her haven't gone away. In fact, I look on her with such gratitude and delight, I want to embrace her even more and spoil her rotten!
The inner turmoil this caused over the years is quite amazing, and while I have come a long way since then, I still have plenty of self-work to do and more things to learn and sort out, though it gets easier all the time. I love her so much, and she is so patient with me while I work things out, I am too, too lucky to have her.
Another recent instance of this is tickling. For years I've been content to touch her and cuddle her and stroke her. As of about a month ago, I started tickling her. I couldn't really explain why I started doing it and I couldn't really shut it off. My fingers just wandered that way. She got increasingly irritated by it and told me that when she is being tickled, she feels out of control and uncomfortable. I finally figured out today that I was attention seeking, as it is impossible for her to ignore that. Now that I think I have identified the cause, we'll see if my ability to recognize that feeling and redirect it to more appropriate attention-getting means works out.