Tuesday, May 09, 2006Pet's Post
These are my comments regarding the whole "my type of submission" thing.
I really like sex and especially kinky sex. I really, really like getting off. In college I would masturbate about 4 times a day, to give you an idea of how much I like getting off. Why would I want to give up the ability to orgasm at all times of day and then go about my business at all?
The answer is that while it is great, it's not what I want. Orgasming quickly 4 times a day, while leading to a sore penis lots of dirty tissues to clean up, is indicative of me searching for satisfaction. I wasn't finding it with my hand. As good as it physically feels, it just has no emotional component to it and it is entirely predictable. (I can't tickle myself for that same reason.)
It took me a while to figure out what I want. When She and I first started having sex, it was pretty straightforward. I was new to partner sex and She was enjoying it, so we did it. We did it a lot, about every day, sometimes two or three times a day. That went on for a while, then she got increasingly more passive during sex, and I got increasingly frustrated because I couldn't please her. Enter Her telling me about her desire for dominance.
I hastily accepted the first time, but didn't know what I was in store for. That didn't work out to well. We took a break from it. She offered me the lifestyle again later, now letting me make an informed decision. She said it would be fine if I took door #2 as well if that is just who I am, with her on her back, I lube her up and fuck her until I come, then roll over and go to sleep. (I'm sure many partners expect that but few are ever offered that.)
Needless to say, I took door #1 again and haven't looked back. It took me a while to figure out that I wanted a deep, intimate, and trusting relationship. The reason our D/s failed the first time was because I never trusted her to take care of me. The reason our second run at it is so questionable and on Her mind a lot is because I still lapse into my non-trusting self.
When petty and trivial things bother me, it's me not trusting Her to take care of them. When I'm not fully present for Her, it's me not telling Her my needs because I think She won't listen or take care of them. It's unfair to Her that I do this since She has never failed to take care of my needs when I gave them to her. It's also unfair for me to expect her to make decisions for me and us when I don't keep her posted on my issues.
This is why it sometimes works, and when it does, it feels great (and I don't just mean sex). When there isn't as much going on or I actually take the plunge and trust her, it works out. This is what I am working the most on now. It takes a lot of effort to go against my extremely self-protective nature to come out of my shell and give her real trust. Yes, my submission fades when I have my walls up. It's really no wonder she often wants to stop trying to be my Domme when I'm in my bubble. My desire to have this deep, intimate, and trusting relationship supersedes the fear of not having my needs met, but sometimes I still lapse back into my old self. I'm only human.
I do believe there is a difference between a submissive man and a really nice but still self-serving man. I also believe that I am submissive at my core, and I have worked all my life to suppress it as a protective measure. I know more about myself now and what I want than when I first met my lovely Lady. I know that pushing my cares aside and giving my cares to Her are two different things, one leading to resentment and the other to fulfillment. Finally, I know that our love is strong enough to weather the bumps of emotional growth and development on both our sides, and I find peace in that.