Thursday, September 29, 2005Troubled times for Him
My submission to my wife in all things sexual has been under constant stress, attack, and deliberation. I get very excited at the idea of being her sub, but she notes that once I'm in the role of her sub, I fight her constantly, both subtly and overtly. Whenever I am supposed to do her bidding, I sigh or complain or get my knickers in a twist and can't figure it out, it's all too much pressure, I get fidgety and resentful and overall ruin the experience. I have almost never made it into sub-space because of this.
I believe a lot of this to be the result of my past, my inexperience again shining radiantly. I keep trying to get there, but I am always focusing on the wrong reason to get there, or the wrong aspect of the task at hand. I have some serious issues with not wanting to be taken advantage of that flare up constantly, and some unappreciated flags that go up at other times, no doubt resulting from my childhood. While she is none of these things, I put those things on her, then I fight them. It's all in my head, which is where I should be thinking about how happy I am to sub for her.
I have all kinds of subbing fantasies including forced feminization, spanking, ass-worship, foot-worship, smothering, and face sitting. I love eating her out, and fingering her, and I love being restrained or restraining her, then going to work or getting worked on. I get aroused at all her dirty talk, and I love her to death on top of all that, so why do I have such a hard time letting go of the "real" world and slipping into her protection? Why am I so at a loss to let her care for me while directing my attention to her?
Constantly I worry about what she will have me do, or what I will have to give up to do something for her, or about not meeting her expectations. As she puts it, I should be happy and excited to do her bidding, not loathe to hear her requests for fear it will not be something I like. I should be excited to be her toy, her pet, her personal fun factory, but I act as though I am just put out when she actually requests these things of me.
She says that she feels I come to bed with an agenda, and are therefore topping her from below, which is not her style. I am always up for being worked on, but when it comes to working on her, I only seem to enjoy it when I already had it in my head to do those things ahead of time.
She says that I am more submissive when I'm not trying to be submissive, and I'm just being me. That can be interpreted two ways; the first (and more positive one) is that I am submissive by nature and I am actually hurting that submissive nature when I go into the bedroom by trying to force it and worrying and letting my real world fears control my behavior. The second (and more negative one) is that I am just a really nice, kinky-sex-loving and wife-adoring guy who isn't submissive at all because he can't let go of the reigns for even a second because that's just not who he is. There are both types in the world, and I am presently doing some hardcore soul searching to figure out which one I am.
The next step from there (and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I can't help it) is if I am submissive and being controlled by my past and my issues, how do I resolve those issues so I can really be submissive and enjoy it thoroughly and often? If I am not submissive, how can I reconcile this with my wife and mistress?
To add to the foray, we believe Domming and Subbing are almost genetically programmed, you can't choose to have Domme feelings, you just have them, a lot like a gay person is aroused at the sight of hot like-gendered people. My desire to sub must therefore be buried in me, repressed and locked away, only surfacing under extremely fair conditions. Just as I have a tremendous struggle extracting my Sub feelings, she has an equally tremendous struggle repressing her Domme feelings, to the point of having to be extremely passive in bed and refusing toys and kinky play of almost all kinds to avoid letting any leak out on accident. Should it leak out, she will remember how much it is a part of her, then hurt for the loss, and likewise repress herself even more.
What I hope to accomplish in my soul searching and personal work is to break down the walls and issues that lock away my base nature, and see what really is there. Am I really a Sub at my core or am I just a nice guy who walks, talks, and acts like a sub but really isn't?
Since I started my self-exploratory journey, I have found a few things out about myself. I worry about stupid things like "is she going to make me do the dishes?" or "is she going to make me wear a butt plug at my parents' house for 4 hours?" I also have learned that my codependence plays a major role in my activities; I work to remove it from our sex life and our life in general daily. I don't communicate enough with her. I don't ask for what I want or need and I try to read her mind a lot. I am a selfish bastard when I'm feeling out of sorts.
When she asks me what I liked about our recent D/s encounters, I always reply with lots of things, but none of which are D/s related. I liked the kink, I liked the intimacy, I liked the sex, I liked the scents and the atmosphere. I never reply that I liked being free from responsibility because she's taking command. I never reply that I enjoy serving her just because she enjoys it. I feel these things to varying degrees, but I have to wonder if I don't repress the output of them because of the negative feelings I feel resulting from my issues surfacing simultaneously?
For a long time, I felt that I needed to have an orgasm for sex to be good, and that the sooner the better. I also felt that was selfish, and that if I'm going to have one, she should too. Along those lines, if I'm going to have one, and I'm pretty much worthless post-sex, then she should have one first. So I found out what works for her, what makes her wet, and basically assembled a flowchart for her orgasm. Of course, immediately following her orgasm came my orgasm. This was our modus operandi for probably two years. I was immature and selfish and resentful when she tried to change it, and resisted everything she ever asked. Only recently did I start to see through that (read: grow up a little) and find the joy of sex beyond a 1 to 1 orgasm ratio in the shortest amount of time. There's no love in that, no excitement, no wonder or mystery. I see now why she grew bored to tears and frustrated to hell with me in bed.
On that note, I can say that me being a sub would definitely alleviate many of those problems since it forces me to do it right. I can't argue with this but man can I fight it. It makes sense and I want to do it that way, it's beneficial to both of us on so many levels, and yet, I just don't want to let go for even a moment because of my irrational and seemingly uncontrollable fears of being out of control. (Oh the irony).
So now what? I am researching into the mind of the sub to see where I am in relation to other self-proclaimed sub. I am tearing apart my feelings and figuring out the causes, relations, and the triggers. I am trying to really decide what kind of sub I am, and where my walls are. I spent a long time living by myself, just masturbating and whatnot, never really figuring out what I want in a relationship, let alone a sexual relationship, just that I wanted one. Luckily, I met the most perfect woman in the whole world, who rocks my world, and I worship her. I want nothing more than to please her, and it seems to be the one thing I can't do. Why? I don't know. That's the big question, really; one I hope to answer in short order.